This past holiday season I experienced a family conflict that was quite uncomfortable to deal with. At the beginning of the ordeal I wanted to run and hide because it was so painful– but knew I had to stand strong in my thoughts I had finally decided to share.
For much of my life if I feel someone will disagree with me or not understand my thoughts, I choose not to share them. Mostly in fear of someone being mad at me and then not talking to me for months or perhaps years. I had seen this pattern in my family before, so this was how I chose to not have this happen to me- by always going along with the majority. But one thing led to another and I finally shared my feelings. It was hard to do, and I know it was hard for some of my family to hear.
I’m happy to say I was able to talk with most of my family members and we were able to come to somewhat of an understanding. We may not all agree with each other, but I feel there is a new respect that formed.
There was one family member I had not yet heard back from after a few attempts of reaching out. I finally heard back today and that family member does not wish to talk with me at this time. It sent me back into a dark place in my soul, and again, I found myself feeling so uncomfortable. I didn’t expect this. And as I thought about the word, I decided I no longer like that word, expect. How often do we put expectations on others and then we are disappointed? This was a big part of our conflict.
So here I was again feeling down in the dumps because I expected we would all come to a place of respect. I’m very grateful that for most of my family we have. But the lone one who is not not ready yet, I felt like running and hiding again and found myself questioning having had shared my thoughts. But as I looked up from my desk, I saw my dragonfly hanging from my bookshelf. It reminded me that we are all works in progress and we are always learning how to fly… and to trust that in time, the one lone family member and I will come to a place of understanding.
And after all the conflict, I do know one thing too, my wings have become stronger in living the life that I chose and this conflict though tough in the beginning has helped me even more into being me. I can’t live for anyone else, but myself– to do so only means I’m not living to my full potential and what is right for me.
So I shall be the dragonfly and continue to fly and expand in ways that bring me joy, wishing the same for those that I love too. Imagine if everyone one in the world chose to be a dragonfly and felt free to fly and be who they are… I imagine it would be a world of peace, don’t you?