Self-Reflection: Light and Dark and the Gift in Both

Posted by Barbara Techel

I’m reading a book right now by Stephen Levine called Unattended Sorrow – Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart.

In my recent newsletter, I wrote about honoring the void and allowing a new groove to unfold for myself after the passing of Gidget. 

I wrote:

I wonder how often it is we rush to fill a void because of its unknowns and because it feels uncomfortable. This vacillating between a void and finding a new groove, I think, is part of the process of allowing what is next to unfold.

I’ve had to remind myself of what I’ve written a few times now as sometimes I feel the tendency to want to just fill the void for the sake of filling it. While at the same time I also wrote that I’ve been experiencing this: there is a space within grief I’m appreciating and don’t recall feeling before. It’s a softening that feels gentle, graceful and calm, and brings me much peace.

The softening I feel is that I’m at peace that when it became apparent and Gidget’s diagnoses of congestive heart failure that it was her time to move on. Though I initially panicked and cried to my friend, and animal communicator, Dawn that I couldn’t imagine my life without Gidget. But Dawn gently reminded me to think about what it was that Gidget wanted and not my fear.

But yesterday I was in a funk that still lingers a bit today, though I’m feeling a little lighter after sharing my honest feelings with John last night. I realized yesterday that I was feeling lonely. At the same time, I still don’t feel this need to just fill the void of missing Gidget with another dog right now. But what I was feeling was what I was grappling with.

It’s this space of not knowing what’s next I realize at the same time that it’s human to want to know. But another part of me wants to allow what is next to flow to me naturally. And in this in-between space, this is what can feel so uncomfortable and all my fears and doubts come rising to the surface. I’ve also always had an animal in my home for the past thirty-five years. This is the first time without one. When John is at work now, I’m home by myself. It feels odd, but something I’m trying to learn to be with.

But it’s the awareness that this feeling is there and just allowing it to move through me I know is what I need to do – or rather, just be with.

I appreciated what Stephen writes in chapter nine:

“When we love someone, they become a mirror for our heart. They reflect back to us the place within us that is love, the divine principle. When that mirror is shattered through death or separation, we may feel as though love itself has died.

We may not even know where our next breath will come from.”

He goes on to say that what’s important to do is to quietly sit with this and count the breath. What really caught my attention was when he said to inhale mercy and exhale fear.

And that was it. To be merciful with myself and let go of the fear that tries to take over. Stephen also talks about bringing awareness to the belly. He shares that so often when we move into fear our belly tightens. So I’ve been practicing by inhaling and silently saying mercy as I bring my awareness to the softening of my belly and as I exhale letting go of fears that my mind projects.

When I woke this morning I took this photo above of the shadow on my wall of a bird and some flowers I have on the armoire in our bedroom. It caught my eye and I reflected on how this image speaks to how I am vacillating between the light and dark right now – wanting to experience more light, but also trying to honor the dark. But it’s in the shadow that I realize the gift in all of it. 

XO,

Barbara

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Take Two: Clarification of the Burning of My Manuscript

Posted by Barbara Techel

I realized after receiving a few emails that I need to clarify what I meant by burning my manuscript I’ve been working on for over a year, I’m Fine Just the Way I Am. If you didn’t catch yesterdays post and wonder what the heck I’m talking about, you can read it here.

I’m not starting over from the beginning and I’m finishing the book where I left off over three weeks ago. Good news, right? 🙂

The paper manuscript I burned was one of the earlier versions which I’d printed out and edited and then implemented the changes into the digital file I keep on my computer.

I then submitted that digital file to three beta readers for feedback. I received the feedback from each, with two of them submitting feedback the day before Gidget passed away.

At that point, I’d updated the current version of my manuscript of the digital file with the first beta readers feedback and was three-quarters of the way through completing that input.

Since having to let Gidget go the day before Mother’s Day, I’ve not been able to bring myself to open the manuscript on my computer where I left it and finish implementing the other feedback I’ve received.

But it was about a week after her passing, that even though I wasn’t yet ready to open the file on my computer and finish where I’d left off, that I knew I’d be writing an afterword. Though I’m not yet ready to write that and have been simmering in what I want to share.

That earlier version of the paper manuscript (that I burned) represented for me how at the beginning of writing this memoir that it felt so painstaking, though it started to flow with more ease these past six months.

What I didn’t know was how the book would end. Or I thought I knew how the book would end and that Gidget and I would have many more years together.

I wasn’t expecting to write an afterword to talk about her passing.

So burning the manuscript was symbolic for me because it represents a letting go of how the manuscript began (the painstaking moments of writing it), the feedback that wasn’t in that particular copy which is helpful in making my book be the best it can be, along with acceptance of the fact that Gidget passed away— and there is a pivotal teaching in that, too.

Along with the fact, this was all part of the master plan – I couldn’t have known I was going to have to let Gidget go. 

Coming back to the current version of the manuscript on my computer file and starting again where I left off I’ve had another layer of deepening into the teachings from Gidget, which has been welcoming to my heart. And just when I think I couldn’t possibly love her any more than I do, I find myself in a deeper space of gratitude, love, and compassion for the gift of her sweet and wise self.

So burning that earlier version of the paper manuscript felt cleansing to me – and starting again when I thought what was the point of completing the book is a welcome space to be in, too.

I hope this helps. 

Onward and forward I go with getting this manuscript ready to hand over to an editor…

XO,

Barbara

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I Burned My Manuscript

Posted by Barbara Techel

Truth be told. I’ve had a few moments since Gidget has been gone that I have wondered what is even the point of completing my book – my third memoir.

An edited paper version of it that I marked up in red ink, and before feedback from my beta readers, has sat on my desk for a few months now. Yesterday I looked at it and wondered why I kept it. 

This morning, after my yoga practice and journaling with the SoulCollage® card I made in honor of Gidget (which I’ll share in a future post), I felt called to burn the manuscript. 

I placed it in the chiminea that sits on our deck. It has held a fire most weekend nights and often entices deep conversation and contemplation. Tearing the sections of the manuscript in half, and then half again, I threw them into the chiminea, doused it with lighter fluid, and threw in a match.

It was cathartic to watch it go up in flames. A ritual of letting go of how the manuscript began – painstakingly at times and then the last six months it flowed with much more ease.

Before Gidget left, the draft I was currently working on was close to being polished with feedback integrated from the beta readers and then it would be off to the editor.

But it all stopped when Gidget died. I couldn’t bring myself to open the unfinished document on my computer. Though it was only about a week after Gidget left that I knew there would be an afterword for my book. But I’ve had to just sit with the many thoughts of how I will write it.

I will complete the book. And yesterday, I began where I left off with the chapter on a dream I had that was pivotal to my healing last year.

All of how this has unfolded has been the process that has been meant to be for me. There is no right or wrong way to write a book. This has been a valuable teaching for me over the years since I began writing here on my blog and the books I’ve published. 

I’m much more interested these days in listening to my inner voice and letting go of how other’s say we “should” write. I want to continue to follow my flow of energy, honor it and trust that all is happening in just the right time.

Just as I sat down to write this post an email came into my inbox from a woman I recently gifted my first two memoirs. What a beautiful confirmation:

I honor and bless the little girl in you who has chosen in this lifetime to do so much healing. I sense you are healing from many past lives. Stand tall in your newborn knowledge of who you are. You are so needed to share your light with all whom you touch.

Your books are beautiful. Your gentle heart comes shining through. I wish you peace in your healing process.

There is so much amazing support that the universe offers us when we stay open to the possibilities.

And with that, I’m signing off to update the next chapter of my book, I’m Fine Just the Way I Am…

XO,

Barbara

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