Chapter 17
DISCOVERING MY PURPOSE
As winter approached, I decided to attend a writer’s conference at a university not far from my home. It would be the first time I left Frankie for a whole weekend, but while I knew it was going to be hard, I wanted so badly to continue my writing. I was attending the conference because I had an idea for an adult nonfiction book about my life with Cassie, and now Frankie, and what I had learned from them.
John agreed to look after Frankie so I could attend the conference. It was amazing to connect with other writers. It was also fun sharing our book ideas and learning from all the different presenters. I was nervous about the publishing process and quite intimidated when I sat in on a panel discussion with editors from New York. When it ended, I walked out, thinking there was no way I could ever have a book published. The process seemed daunting.
The following day I attended a class on independent publishing. As the presenter went through the process, I began to believe that I too could publish my own book. I left the class feeling empowered and inspired, and ready to pursue my project.
As I drove home Sunday afternoon I was on cloud nine, and when I went to bed that night I could barely sleep, with all the wonderful ideas swirling through my mind.
When I awoke Monday morning, John was already gone for the day. I laid there for a few moments, thinking about the conference. All of a sudden I sat straight up in bed and said, “I’m going to write a children’s book and it’s going to be about Frankie.” I was a bit surprised and wondered, where did that come from? That was the furthest thing from my mind. But all I can say is that sometimes Divine intervention steps in, and we can either ignore it, or follow it. I chose to follow it. Though I wasn’t sure the direction I was headed, I couldn’t resist the urge to start that very day. As I began my research on writing a children’s book, I knew that if I trusted God, He would guide me.
I was also part of a women’s writing group that met every Thursday evening. I loved being a part of it. At our next gathering I announced my book idea. They all rallied around me with resounding encouragement and were very excited for me.
For the remainder of the winter and into spring and early summer I worked diligently on my book. I was really enjoying the process, though I had doubts about whether I was really “qualified” to write a book.
Before I knew it, the farmer’s market was once again in full swing. The summer before, I had found it difficult to balance Frankie’s wheelchair on my handlebar and brought this up to John. He suggested a carrier on the back of my bike. I purchased a wooden crate and painted it my favorite color, periwinkle. John installed it and it was perfect for holding Frankie’s wheelchair, as well as to hold items I bought while at the market.
Frankie is quite the cute sight to see in her wheels, which I was growing accustomed to. I came to accept I wouldn’t get much shopping done while at the market. But I was so happy when we ran into new people shopping the market, because I could educate them about the options we have for pets with disabilities. I took great joy and pride in sharing Frankie’s story, for I knew it would help others who found themselves facing the same situation.
As we made our way through the market one day, a little boy who looked to be about nine years old saw Frankie and stopped me to ask about her. I explained to him that Frankie has a disc disease which caused paralysis in her back legs. I told him about her wheelchair and how it is similar to a wheelchair for people, and that it helps her to get around. He put his hand on her back and rubbed her spine where it stuck out a little from muscle atrophy.
He said, “Why does it stick out here?”
“Well, that is where the vet had to go in and do surgery. Because Frankie lost some weight from that, her muscles shrunk, so it caused her spine to stick out a little bit.”
He put his hand on my shoulder, looked at me and said most confidently, “Well it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside, but what’s on the inside.”
I looked at him in complete awe and tears pooled in my eyes. I said, “You know what young man? You are absolutely right.”
He smiled and walked away.
I sat there for a moment, stunned. I truly believe he was an angel sent from God, because something powerful happened. It was then that I realized the full blessing of all the difficulties of the past few months. For all the doubts I was having about publishing Frankie’s story, I believed without a doubt that I truly was meant to write her story and share it with children. I believed with all my heart I was meant to help children see their challenges in a positive way through Frankie’s example. That little boy gave me the shot of confidence I needed.
As I continued working on Frankie’s book, I still occasionally found myself doubting my capabilities. At times I also still had a battle going on in my head, saying that I wasn’t good enough. A lot of writers I knew had a degree in writing and it concerned me that I didn’t. I wondered whether anyone would take me seriously.
One day I finally got tired of the constant negative talk in my head. After thinking yet again that there was no way I could do this, I felt this little nudge in my heart. I thought, okay Barb, you may not know everything there is about writing, publishing, and marketing this book, or if anyone will even buy it—but if you don’t do this, will you regret it at the end of your life? My eyes stung with tears. I knew the answer. I no longer wanted to listen to my head; I wanted to listen to my heart. There was no way I was going to face myself at the end of my life if I didn’t at least continue on with this and give it my best. I also knew if I could affect just one child’s life with Frankie’s story that this would all be worth it. From that day forward, I had few moments of doubt.
By the end of June, I had the first draft of Frankie the Walk ‘N Roll Dog complete. I was ecstatic! Next came editing, illustrations, layout, and then the final step of having the book printed. Everything was falling into place; and my excitement of seeing my first book published was such an amazing time. It truly felt like I was giving birth. This book was my child and my heart.
I learned every step of the way and felt such pride in each step I took. I could feel myself growing taller in spirit and confidence. Frankie was, and still is, my constant inspiration. On days I felt like I couldn’t take the next step, I’d watch her wheeling around in her wheelchair so full of joy, or snoozing contently in my writing cottage, and it would remind me I could do anything I set my mind to do.
As I began to live more and more in my truth, there were times I felt incredibly lonely. Even though this was an exciting time for me, I felt pangs of what used to be and the loss of relationships I had gently let go because they no longer fit with who I was. I had worked so hard in my coaching with Diane to find what brought me joy and I continued to live my life in the way I chose, instead of doing what others expected of me. Though it wasn’t always easy, Frankie’s spunk for life was my daily reminder for me that I was on the right path.
I found myself having to create boundaries so I didn’t go back to my old patterns of thinking or being. Coach Diane had taught me that this was necessary for my own self-care and for me to continue to grow and be the best I could be. The more positive I became, the harder I found it to be around those who were negative. What made it difficult was that some of these people had been in my life for years. I felt bad that I found it challenging to be around them, and I struggled with this for quite some time. I wanted everyone I knew to have the same positive outlook as I did— to know that we each have a choice to be positive when faced with difficulties in our lives. Also, because I found joy in my new path, I wanted everyone to experience this same joy. As bad as I wanted this for those that I loved or cared about, I came to realize that we are each in a different place and on different paths. No path is right or wrong. It was then that I realized that people who challenge me are actually teachers in my life. It isn’t that they were “different”—they just have fears of their own, which can sometimes come out in a negative way. But once I understood they were teaching me what I didn’t want for my own life, I was grateful for the reminders.
For most of my adult life I have played what I call “small.” I’ve generally been a pretty happy person, but would find myself constricting that joy around those who are unhappy. In my twenties and thirties, I often got so wrapped up in other people’s personal dramas that it emotionally affected me. I’d desperately want to take away their pain, but would often do it at the cost of my own emotions and it would leave me feeling drained. As I grew older, I learned to not take in the emotional drama of others, but I still struggled with playing small in some situations. It really came to a head when I began letting friends and family know I had written a children’s book and would soon be publishing it. I had kept it a secret from almost everyone until I felt confident enough to share. I knew how my mind worked, and if anyone would have said something negative, or tried to squish my dream, I may have caved in and reverted back to my old ways of thinking. It’s sad, but unfortunately not everyone will always support our dreams. I don’t believe it’s because they don’t want to. But speaking from personal experience, what comes up sometimes is our own unlived dreams. I can’t tell you how many times in the past I’ve been jealous of someone else doing something I wished I had had the courage to do. But I now realize when others can’t feel joy for you, it isn’t that they don’t want to; they may not know how, or are simply not ready.
As I was taking steps to live a happier life, I found that it was sometimes hard work. Digging deep into one’s soul is not an easy thing to do. But I feel incredibly blessed that I found the courage to start being me. My dogs, especially Frankie, were instrumental in helping me with this. And Kylie? Well, Kylie loves to watch the world go by through the view of the open front door. It used to bother me that she isn’t a typical Lab who likes to play ball or go swimming. But in learning to accept her for who she is, this reminds me to accept myself for who I am.
Another thing that has helped keep me on my spiritual path is reading motivational and inspirational books. I’m also a fan of Hay House Radio. I love their motto, “Radio for Your Soul.” One of my favorite speakers on the spiritual radio show is Dr. Wayne Dyer. I remember the summer I was writing Frankie’s book as a glorious time. I was learning to let the self doubtthat would creep in now and then move through my mind without giving it too much attention. I was learning to let it go. Listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer, as well as other talk show hosts on Hay House, always helped me stay on a positive track. I also downloaded Hay House Radio on my iPod and listened to it on my morning walks.
One morning a person called in to Dr. Dyer’s show and asked, “How do you find your purpose?”
Dr. Dyer said, “I don’t believe you find your purpose, but your purpose finds you.”
My breath caught in my chest and tears slowly rolled down my cheeks as I walked through our small town early that morning. It struck me deeply because it was exactly what happened to me. I could attest to the fact that if we are open to blessings and opportunities, unexpected and wonderful things can happen. Hearing Dr. Dyer talk about purpose reaffirmed for me that I had found mine.