“I thought the most beautiful thing in the world must be shadow.”
―
It seems as if I am seeing shadows everywhere of late. I smiled when early Sunday evening I noticed, once again, another shadow. This time, it came from the wrought iron bird I’d just moved earlier that day, placing it on the side of the wren house next to my Joyful Pause Cottage.
As I mentioned in my blog post over the weekend, last week I took part in a 5-day online beginners workshop learning to breathe in a whole new way. Well, it was new to me but has actually been around since the 1950s.
Before I share more about what has transpired from this workshop, I thought it would be helpful to give some background first. I’ve had asthma since I was a young girl. I’ve also come to believe over the years that there are often many layers to healing. At the age of 55 years old — just three years ago — I finally gave voice to the wounding from my childhood. This was the catalyst to process and release anger, grief, and pain that had been on my heart.
Last year when the pandemic began and the requirement of masks was issued I struggled with that. I couldn’t breathe when I wore one. When I did, I’d become too warm within five minutes and it would trigger my lungs to become constricted.
Then earlier this year I needed a refill on my inhaler medication for my asthma. When I talked with my doctor’s nurse I was told I needed to come in for a physical to have my prescription refilled, though I couldn’t get in until mid to late fall. I asked if the doctor could extend the refills for me. The nurse said, “I’ll see if she would be willing to do that.”
In all honesty, that triggered me and how I heard her say the word willing – as if the doctor may not refill my prescription. Trying to not sound too angry I said, “Um, I need it to breathe.” She repeated what she’d just said.
I was so upset when I got off the phone I cried and then got angry. But that night as I lay my head on my pillow I asked the Divine to please show me the way and how I could help myself with my asthma.
One thing led to another the next day and I came across the Buteyko Method. It was discovered by Professor Buteyko, who was a doctor and a scientist. You can read more here about how he came to discover this method which he first experimented on himself because he suffered from hypertension. In essence, his theory, which has now been tested and proven with thousands and thousands of positive results, is that deep breathing through inhalation (along with a plethora of other things. i.e. our fast-paced lives, the way we eat, stress, our traumas, etc.) causes our CO2 levels to drop. This leads to chronic disease.
In the 1950s the control pause was 30 to 45 (holding one’s breath comfortably) and today it is down to 17. When I started, mine was 10. So far I’ve gotten it up to 29. To be fair, I tried the breathwork on my own before working with the practitioner, so I had a little headstart.
The week before I began the workshop I’d watched many of the video testimonials, especially those with asthma and many of those people who now no longer use an inhaler since incorporating the Buteyko Method into their life. One particular woman I listened to shared she hadn’t really realized it, but that she’d become addicted to her inhaler. I wondered, Could that be the case with me too?
In being honest, this brought up shame for me. Was I an addict, I wondered? The use of my inhaler had become more frequent over the years — taking it up to 4-5 times a day and 2-3 times overnight. I was increasingly growing concerned about what I’d be like with my breathing as I grew older, and its effect on my health. The virus and the pandemic brought this even more to the forefront and caused me to feel fearful at times.
The gift of the pandemic and my hearing the nurse in the way that I did is what led me to seek a way in which I could help myself. This is what brought me to the 5-day intensive workshop to, in essence, retrain myself to breathe in a new way. A way in which would support my mind, body, and spirit…and most importantly, my lungs!
It wasn’t an easy thing to learn, though the method itself is simple. But oh, the shadow aspects it brings up! While there are physical cleansing things that occur, emotional aspects come to the surface for healing also. Mine came to the surface halfway through the session on Wednesday. The beneficial thing about working with a practitioner is she recognized this and offered to stay on Zoom to chat with me privately after the class ended.
Our class consisted of one other asthmatic and an athlete. I’ll call him Joe. Well, Joe was triggering me. I couldn’t understand what he was doing in the class. He was in perfect physical form from what I could see and his numbers of holding his breath (called control pause and maximum pause for this method) were double what I and the other asthmatic could do. How lucky he was that he didn’t have to struggle to breathe was what I was thinking.
After Joe and the other workshop attendee signed off on Wednesday I had my time with the practitioner. Before I knew it, parts of me that can at times still feel ‘not good enough’ rose to the surface. It triggered a memory of junior high school when the gym teacher didn’t care (or believe me?) I had asthma and told me I had to run around the track four times. I couldn’t do it.
During the workshop, we were also told that we would need to incorporate this new method into our exercise routine. When I asked how to do that for my daily walks, it was suggested I cut back on the length of time I go for a walk and to walk slower. The idea is to make sure we are in control of our breath and not overdo it. Well, I heard it as I couldn’t go for my walks. That triggered the shadow aspect in me of the one who always felt like the ‘fat’ one in my teen years.
By the end of our conversation, and the integrating of it all overnight, plus a physical detox of different symptoms that occurred the next morning, by mid-day I felt a shift and a new lightness within me.
I’ve made steady progress with the method. I’ve also felt a significant difference in my breathing. While right now I have to practice four times a day and commit to this for three months, there will come a point I won’t have to do it quite as often each day, but I can already sense how important morning and evening will be most significant for me. During the day, as were also taught, we can incorporate this into how we go about our day. I actually really like that and have been doing so already.
While I know there will be ups and downs as the practitioner has cautioned, I’m happy to say that I’ve not had to use my inhaler at all now for three days, and have gone three nights without it also. I consider that a big accomplishment given how often I was taking it before this.
My best barometer is really how I’m feeling in my mind, body, and spirit. I feel so much calmer. This in turn positively affects my breathing.
As the practitioner shared, CO2 is our treasure. Everything we do requires CO2 and it can easily get depleted. Even just thinking, especially worrying thoughts, takes up an incredible amount of CO2! Professor Buteyko believed (he passed in 2003) that lack of CO2 is responsible for over 200 chronic diseases. I don’t know about all the other 199 of those diseases, but I will say it has positively affected my asthma.
I see this practice as filling up my gas tank several times a day. Breath — it’s our lifeline — literally! But those breaths we take while on this planet we want to be quality ones.
Lastly, I can’t help but give thought to the virus and pandemic of 2020 (and still ongoing in many ways) and the lungs of Mother Earth. Can she breathe? As I’m doing my breathwork and improving the quality of my life (and my lungs!), I find myself appreciating even more this precious earth and all its inhabitants — animals, plants, the stars, humans, etc.
It brings me back once again to my belief that it all begins at home. It begins with each of us healing what needs to be healed within ourselves.
And I now circle back to the quote I shared above. It’s about loving the shadow aspects of ourselves that guide us to see ourselves and the world more gently and beautifully.
XO
Barb
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