It’s a curious thing. To observe Miss Gidget doing something she’d not done while Kylie was here.
I must admit that I feel more in tune with Gidget these days since Kylie passed on. While in some ways I’d love a house full of dogs, I am enjoying this more intimate one to one experience. We have no plans to bring another dog into our life and likely will be a one dog household from now on for various reasons.
My attention span is no longer split between two dogs, and noticing Gidget more is having its fun side, along with peaking my curiosity about certain aspects.
Such as the times I’ve witnessed her lying on the rug between our living room and kitchen. It was a place that Kylie often laid. What is interesting about that is when Kylie hung out in that spot we’d often have to squeeze by her, because we didn’t want to disturb her, of course. 🙂
But also interesting as it was something Kylie had only begun doing about the last year or two of her life. Why she chose to lay in that spot often, I’m not quite sure.
It wasn’t a place I’d find Gidget even when Kylie was elsewhere, but now I find her there often. While Kylie was still alive and just in the last year, we’d often find both of them snuggled in Kylie’s kennel. Something they’d not done the previous three years since Gidget had come into our life.
But I do think that perhaps they were communicating in their own special way and I do believe that they both knew Kylie would be moving on soon. It was such a special thing to witness—deepening their bond which always warmed my heart to observe.
So now Gidget takes up residence often on the rug where Kylie often was. Perhaps she feels connected to Kylie there. Perhaps Kylie’s spirit is there. Of course, I can’t say for sure. But it brings me comfort to know that maybe it’s Gidget’s way in which she is still connected with sweet Kylie.
And then there is Kylie’s huge kennel that resides in our kitchen. I just couldn’t part with that either, as Gidget enjoys that as her safe place when we are gone. So much for the idea of tiny house living – she’s a big mansion type of gal I guess!
It’s been a little over two months since Kylie left her earthly trail and now travels among the stars. With the full moon last night, driving home from date night with John, I couldn’t take my eyes off that mystical and magical glow in the night sky.
Alone in my thoughts I felt the presence of Kylie now a part of the vast universe and that exquisite orb so full of wonder and mystery. I’ve thought about her everyday since she moved on, and Tuesday afternoon on a saunter through the woods, I carried in my pocket a portion of her ashes to scatter.
It was a part on the trail I remember well and can still see Kylie standing there waiting for me in the early fall of 2013. It was a sacred and special time between her and and I when I took a two month sabbaticalafter my dachshund Joie, passed away. We formed a bond during that time which was magical and needed.
Scattering part of her ashes at this spot on the trail had been nudging at my heart for quite a few weeks now. But I wasn’t ready until now. In part, because I’ve been working through some things I needed to understand, and how her last days unfolded.
I don’t want to live in “what if’s” or regret, but instead honor her life by the many gifts she was to me and John, and also the gift of her legacy, which has come into full view with the help of two friends who have been thoughtful reflections for me the last few weeks.
So as I stood at this spot in the woods where I fondly recalled many happy days walking with Kylie and where our bond grew by leaps and bounds, I invoked an ancient Hawaiian practice a friend recently told me about. It spoke to me as the final piece I’d been waiting for to guide me to close the gap of healing that needed to take place.
It’s called Ho’oponopono and can help restore harmony within, and with others by saying, ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.’
And so with each statement, beginning with ‘I’m sorry,’ I talked out loud to Kylie surrounded by the trees, standing on the very spot of the earth where I still see her face so full of joy and her heart bursting with love.
While what I talked to her about is private and between her and me, there were tears that I was finally able to release that had been whirling around in this inner black void.
As I shared with Kylie some things I was sorry about and wished I could have done differently, a hawk swooped across the trail about ten feet in front of me. It happened so fast, but yet it was as if time stood still as I was in complete awe.
Hawk’s appearance for me in that moment and what I’ve percolated in what I feel it meant, is that I believe Hawk symbolized not dwelling in the sorry, but to understand the deeper and true message of my life with Kylie. I take it as I was meant to swiftly move into the statement that was the hardest for me which was, ‘please forgive me.’
And once I did, and worked through that sharing with Kylie, this abundance of joy flooded my whole body as I then thanked her for all she was to me, and still is.
The final statement, of which is never truly final, and that of ‘I love you,’ opened the floodgates of pure, unconditional love. It brought me to this new place of healing for having taken the time to pause and remember that we truly can connect with those that are no longer physically here. And we can ask for what we need and say what we need to say, and know that it was heard and understood, just as the practice of Ho’oponopono teaches.
Integrating this piece of the healing into my being, I now understand on a new and needed level as Kylie’s legacy which speaks so beautifully to the depth of love she was not only for me, but for all those that loved her.
With some of her ashes now scattered in those tiny woods only five minutes from my home, I feel at peace knowing part of her spirit frolics among the trees. While I can be with her anytime I pause and take the time to do so, it’s that part of the trail that is now that much more sacred. I know I’ll be called to visit often and it will be the greatest honor to do so.
I’ll see you soon sweet girl.
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Lastly, I share this quote from the book, The Inner Life of Cats by Thomas McNamee’s. While I didn’t read the book, I appreciated the quote which I recently read on a fellow blogger’s website. While Thomas speaks about cats, I feel this quote really hits home the beauty and love and our dog companions, too.
“We love our cats with a purity and grace not possible in our love of our spouses, our parents, or even our children. People are too complicated for love as simple as what we bear to our cats. It is not agape, phileo, caritas, amor, or eros (roughly: selfless love, brotherly love, love of humankind, romantic love, and erotic love, respectively). I believe it has never been named. The kinship between our cats and ourselves reaches deep beneath consciousness, to a place before history, perhaps even before the development of self-expressible human intellect … It is devotional, like prayer, and like prayer it is met with silence. Our devotion is what gives cats their power.”
