Out of the Shadows – A Call to Life. (Blog Edition)

Posted by Barbara Techel
Out of the Shadows - A Call to Life
Gidget

It’s been awhile! But here I am once again and happy to be back.

Two weeks ago John helped me replant the honeysuckle that wasn’t getting any sunlight where it was located due to a hydrangea tree that when in full bloom casts a shadow, blocking it from the sun.

Last weekend as I weeded the garden, I was thinking about what I wanted to share with you today, giving thought to a title for this post. When I looked up, I saw Gidget peering out from behind the honeysuckle’s new home and it came to me – Out of the Shadows. A Call to Life.

Spring—a time of rebirth which nature so beautifully reflects for us that we too will go through rebirths of our own. And so it was for me and the reason for my absence from my blog.

As has been the case oftentimes the last thirteen years, dogs have been a reflection for me in helping me understand more about myself. 

When I adopted Gidget in 2013 I recall the first months of her living with us how I began referring to her as my Buddha dog. There was something very deep and wise about her.  While I couldn’t define why that really was, it was just something I sensed. And recently, that was about to become more clear.  Though it would require much inner work and facing some shadow aspects of myself.

At the height of it all the last two months, my world was filled with great angst, chaos and darkness. As someone who tries to always see the positive in life, this was a scary and unfamiliar place for me. At times, it felt like a tornado bent on destruction and was the most intense emotional pain I’d experienced before. Oftentimes I’d find myself in a space of feeling like I’d hit my threshold and I just couldn’t cope—and especially when dealing with chronic issues with Gidget when I felt this most.

I love, respect and appreciate animals deeply and feel such gratitude for all they’ve taught me. So the feelings of anger and resentment I was having toward this sweet being was very difficult to understand and I felt so much guilt and shame. At times I really felt like there were two people inside of me

But this was a clear warning signal that there was something here I needed to deal with. Though like many, we’ve been conditioned to just push down our wounds and fears which so often we carry with us from childhood – and the thing is, we all have some type of wounding. Though it can often be buried in our subconscious until something triggers it, or shows up as repeated patterns in our lives. 

While the details of my childhood wounds may be different from yours, what is important to me in sharing my recent deep dive into my fear and pain, is for you to know that you matter and your pain matters, too. Time and time again in conversations with other women I’ve heard them dismiss, or try to minimize their pain, stating that “so and so” is worse off than they are —as if their pain isn’t worthy or that it matters. This isn’t to minimize at all horrific experiences some have endured during childhood, but instead to say that this experience has taught me even more about empathy, and that most of us carry emotional wounds from our childhood. 

Our pain and deep hurts are signposts to guide us, to see them for what they are, to release them, integrate them, and open to a new way of witnessing ourselves – and that as the truly beautiful and caring souls we are, no matter our past.

Our pain also need not define us. When this happens we can get caught in victim mode and again, sometimes we aren’t even consciously aware of this. But what if instead we could approach our wounding as part of our journey to something greater for our lives? If we heed the call to look at the wounds and trust it will be worth the effort, it can help guide us to a new awareness and a deeper sense of peace.

I now understand this even more intimately. I also understand this isn’t an easy thing to do having just gone through an intense couple of weeks facing my own pain and fears. But I can say that by embracing all my emotions about my own childhood hurts and really feeling all of them, I feel freer than I’ve ever felt before.

With support from an animal communicator, a pet companion counselor and a depth psychologist who specializes in dream therapy, I fully immersed myself into all my feelings I’d kept buried, especially resentment, anger, and shame.

Gidget was acting as a reflection for me which the animal communicator helped me to understand – though I’ll be honest, I found it quite challenging in the beginning because I kept trying to grasp it from my mental state of being.

I’ve also never been one to remember my dreams or capture them for that matter, but since the beginning of the year I’d written down about eight different dreams I’d had. Gidget, and my dreams, were working hard to help guide me. Once I found the courage to really look at it all, a new awareness began to emerge.

While there are many paths I’ve walked over the years, and all instrumental, to where find myself where I am today with this new and welcome perspective, it’s my relationship with Gidget that I reflect on with deep gratitude for the part she played in helping me (this is something I’ll be expanding on in a book I’m currently working on). For now, I’ll share that Gidget has more than earned her new title that I relish in calling her which is, The Divine Miss G (think Bette Midler – The Divine Miss M).

The Divine Miss G

As I moved through this challenging time with a foundation of support, I gently reminded myself that I am a loving and compassionate person as I carefully navigated the many walls and doors I was afraid to look at within my psyche. While my fear had kept me in a prison that had me questioning my own mind at times, I no longer wanted to carry what felt like a cement block around my heart. I also knew it was important to forgive the parts of myself that were only trying to protect me the best they knew how.

The little girl inside me was crying out to be heard and I wanted more than anything now to be there for her. She was finally able to have her say, while it was important that I, as her loving guardian, watched over her and kept assuring her that no harm would come to her —and that she was safe and she was loved.

What I came to experience is that by embracing all my emotions, feeling every one of them – especially the difficult ones that as “good girls” we are taught they are “bad” to have – I was able to see them for what they were acting as a guide to help me move beyond my fear. I was able to integrate my emotions and gain more clarity. My coping skills improved immensely and I’m finding so much joy again in the simple things.

I’ve learned that by lovingly exploring my soul, not only was I granted more compassion for myself, but I also opened a deeper channel of empathy and a reminder to be more mindful of those walking beside me who likely have fears of their own.

Even though I may not personally know the pain of those I come in contact with, it’s truly my belief that by continuing to be the best I can be, accepting all parts of who I am, that I become more peaceful within and that by default affects those that cross my path – whether either of us consciously recognizes it in the moment or not. But when you find more peace within, you by default move through life with more ease and peace.

And so out of the shadows I am—and grateful for another opportunity for this call to life and to appreciate how precious this one wild life really is.

Thanks for listening!

XO,

Barbara

Come Meet My Writing Muse

Posted by Barbara Techel

Come Meet My Writing Muse

Come meet my writing muse – the Lion. 

Little did I know that Lion would become a writing muse as I began to welcome the idea of writing this new book I’m currently working on.

In January of this year, I had an animal reading done for myself by Ana Maria Vasquez. I was intrigued as she does them based on numerology and date of birth. While I don’t understand exactly how it all works, I’ve been intrigued by how it’s unfolding and applying to my life. I revisit the reading each month as there is a different animal energy for me to observe and pay attention to via the reading Ana Maria did for me.

She began with the animal that came in with me at birth, considered my totem animal, which she shared is Lion. Then each month she shared what animal presented itself that would help guide me this year. I must say, so far, each animal has been in alignment with where I need to focus my energy, and how I can embody more of their teachings.

When Ana began the reading she said that the animals were sharing how this was a happy reunion. She said the animals adore me and were excited to see me, and hangout. How touching that was to hear.

While Lion being my totem animal, Ana shared that Lion energy has also been with me since my 54th birthday last year and will be with me until I turn 55 in July. Lion is also my animal for June, so I’ve definitely been paying attention to how this all fits in with my life right now.

Ana shared that looking at the energy of lion, lion is for me personally about balancing the feminine and masculine. How I’ve achieved a certain level of success to this point, but now this time in my life is about my hearts desires, not playing by the rules of others, and about being in cooperation with more of the feminine aspects of lion. Those aspects being more about being inward, and feeling safe and protected while listening to my heart, before I step back out into the world again.

As I wrote yesterday on my blog, my writing process for this book is to follow my process, and not what other writers do or how the industry may suggest.

It occurred to me as I’ve revisited the reading and Lion as my totem animal, that it’s also in alignment with an animal communication reading I had done with Gidget in early March, done by my friend, Dawn. So much of that reading has helped me with a new awareness as I’ve allowed it to unfold, instead of trying to force an outcome. I’m recognizing that when I try too hard to figure things out that I only retreat further into myself, which only leads me to feeling anxious, frustrated and worried.

A little over two weeks ago I began the search for a lion totem to have on my desk. I found just the one I was looking for in a shop on Etsy called, Journey Back to the Past. A one of a kind as someone with the initials A.J. made it. I knew it was the one as I felt this skip of recognition in my heart. So gentle with just the right balance of sweetness and confidence, I think, reminding me that I too, am one of a kind, and there is no one else like me. Just like you, one of a kind, and something to be proud of and cherish.

Lion encourages me to listen to my heart, be gentle with myself, to not force anything, and to be patient. As for that last  – patience – I do believe just about every animal tries to help us humans with that! 🙂

This morning in silent meditation, I saw in my mind’s eye lion walking confidently across an open field. I admired his sturdy, strong, graceful stride. Not in a rush, but just enjoying and owning his domain. He then let out a gentle roar, and one I felt a message that I too can roar, by sharing my thoughts in my own graceful and expanded understanding as I continue to write this book.

Thank you for reading and sharing in my intrigue of the muse!

XO,

Barbara

After I finished writing this post, The Animal Wisdom Tarot, popped into my mind. I wondered what the Lion card looked like from that deck. I share it here because it sure did make me smile as I saw myself sitting beside that lion in this sweet illustration.

And the message? Be true to self; claim authority.

Lion: Ruler of the Open Heart (Strength) - Animal Wisdom Tarot

What I’m Giving Up to Write a New Book

Posted by Barbara Techel
What I'm Giving Up to Write a New Book
Photo Credit

What I’m giving up to write a new book is something I never thought I would. What I’m giving up is this notion that there is a right, or wrong way for that matter, to write a book.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much time I’ve spent in the past reading and listening to the “how to’s” from the industry and also from other writers and authors, and their process. Telling myself that if I just did it their way it was what I needed to do, instead of opening to what was right for me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy hearing about the craft of writing and other’s process. But now when I do, I hear it more as oh, that’s cool, and it’s inspiring to know other’s like me are out there following their creativity.

I’ve come to realize so much of this trying to figure out how something should perhaps be done was just my own lack of trust in myself, tied to my own need to feel worthy. Have you ever felt that in your life? This need to prove your worthiness?

At times, it has been quite painful to be in this place of feeling not good enough. That the way someone else does or did something is viewed as better.

I’ve had the thought of writing another book for close to two months now. Before that it wasn’t anywhere on my conscious radar. At times, I didn’t even think there was another book in me.

But today I began and wrote 2,365 words. And I’ll be honest, part of it came from two blog posts I wrote last year. 

This morning as part of my process not only for writing, but for the benefit of my life really, I’ve started a new experiment with my meditation practice. Normally I listen to a guided meditation or to music. But I’ve decided to just sit in silence. My goal today, a big one, as I wanted to try and meditate for one hour. I’ve never done that before and the longest has been thirty minutes.

But I am curious about what it is I might discover if I just learn to be with me more. Now I realize for many that sounds scary. It was for me too in some ways. And I’ll admit, the first couple of minutes felt almost like torture. I wanted to wiggle right out of my chair! But I opened to the uncomfortable. Pretty soon my shoulders dropped back down from around my ears and the butterflies in my stomach found a place to rest, and I heard myself taking these welcoming, deep breaths. It felt so good.

In that space, though I didn’t make it an hour, and sat for forty five minutes as I had to go to the bathroom… Okay, maybe too much information here, but I just had to go. 🙂  At any rate, it was in that space that it came to me how to begin my book. I’d been searching for a way in, that first line of a book that would start to carry me to the next and would begin the momentum.

The reality is that my process really began quite sometime ago, though I didn’t realize it then. But it’s been in the experience and growth I’ve had the last four years that has brought me here.

Then over two months ago when that idea of perhaps there might be another book in my future, it didn’t begin with the actual sitting my butt in my chair and clicking away on the keyboard. I just started to observe and capture thoughts that were coming to me (which I continue to do), keeping track of them on post it notes, or on paper, and then transferring them to Evernote.

Last week, a few times in the wee hours of the morning, I had more thoughts flowing. This weekend I realized it was time to just begin and made the decision it would be today. And so my experiment with sitting in silence in meditation to listen for what I might discover as the first line to begin…and it came. Now I’m not saying it will stick just as it is, but it was a start! And I welcomed it!

What I’m giving up to write a new book is to stay open to my process, however that will unfold. For now it’s a day-by- day process. I looked at my schedule of things to do this week and for now, added in two more one hour writing sessions. If more calls to me to do so, I will.

Part of my giving up also began when I recently wrote about my desire to give up my mindless scrolling of Facebook and how I didn’t even realize I was using it as a distraction. While I’ve decided to keep my personal profile page and will continue to link my blog posts there, it’s about as much as I will do with Facebook for now. It’s freed up an incredible amount of energy and I’m sure enjoying how this feels.

I’ve set no deadline for now on when this book will make it out into the world. I trust myself now that if it’s meant to be, I’ll keep writing. When I get stuck, I’ll honor that and do things such as walking or meditating to find my way back to the page.

I’m giving up everyone else’s process and the getting sucked into the “how-to” of industry standard. Instead, I’m embracing my own authentic path, which I have to say feels quite liberating and empowering. Yes!

Thanks for being here and reading!

XO,

Barbara