death of a pet

Joie Joins Frankie in the Garden Outside My Writing Cottage

Posted by Barbara Techel

Joie Joins Frankie in the Garden Outside My Writing Cottage

I only knew Joie (pronounced Joey) for ten months. But my breath still caught in my chest this morning when I opened the box that contained her ashes. Joie passed away four years ago today.

After scattering Frankie’s ashes on the fifth year of her passing on June 21st this year, I knew I’d want to do the same for Joie.

So much has transpired in my growth and understanding since those two wheelie dogs blessed my life. I’ve come to understand from Frankie that if we can see our challenges in a positive way, we can evolve and learn so much from them. From Joie, I came to understand that in transition there are blessings if we can find the courage and strength to open to them.

Their ashes from the physical beings while they graced this earth, while I loved more than anything to hug them, hold them, and kiss them, I understand now more than before that their spirit lives on forever. What I once shared with them of so much love and joy is still here.  All I have to do is sit in stillness and connect with them to feel that joy and love again that they brought to my life while they were here in physical form.

And the teachings…oh, the teachings they provided me. I feel so blessed for all I’ve learned from them. While we all learn the lessons of life in different ways, God knew for me that it would be the animals that would (and continue to!) help guide me. I still marvel at God’s work of creating all the animals!

So my dear Joie, I give you back to the earth, alongside Frankie, as you both now grace me with your presence in the wind, the sun, the rain, the blooming of flowers, and the ever transitioning of my gardens.

Thank you for being my friend. 

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The Last Day… On Really Being with a Pet in Transition

Posted by Barbara Techel

goodybe-

Recently, reading a friend’s blog who will likely soon lose her beloved Lab, Fred, and who wrote a beautiful poem about this time of transition, I decided I wanted to write about this topic today.

While it’s hard to say goodbye and lose our pets who are so much a part of our family, I do think if we can find a way to make that last day as special as possible, in the long run, I believe it can help in our own healing.

At least this has been the case for me. So I wanted to share some insight as to how I did this in hopes it will help others. I also realize some are not able to do this as death can be sudden and there wasn’t time.

I’ve written about my last day with Frankie in my book, Through Frankie’s Eyes and my experience with saying goodbye to her— the dog who changed me in a profound way.

When I think back on that day verses the day I said goodbye to my chocolate Lab, Cassie Jo, seven years before, I’m so glad I took the approach I did this time around.

That last day with Frankie, while difficult to not get lost in the impending physical loss from my life, as I did with Cassie Jo, I chose to honor the time I had left with her.

I didn’t do this with Cassie Jo, but instead was swallowed up by how devastated I felt that she was leaving soon. All I could do was cry and before I knew it, she was gone. I was left with regret and wishing I had took the time to really be with her on that last day.

While yes, grief is normal and we all have to grieve in our own way, from my experience, I am left feeling better about having really made a conscious choice to be in the present moment with Frankie as she got ready to transition. There was such a huge gift in that for me personally.

Here is what I did–

So much of our time together was spent out in my writing cottage so that is where I chose to be with her.

I played soothing music.

I lit candles.

I sat with her, holding her in my arms.

I inhaled into my consciousness the smell of her.

I told her how much I loved her.

I took photos of her with John. He took photos of me with Frankie.

I thanked her for helping me become a better human being.

I thanked her for all the lives she touched.

I thanked her for choosing me to be her partner in helping spread a positive message about pets diagnosed with disc disease and dogs in wheelchairs.

I sat in silence with her.

I arranged for my vet to come to my home, so she would be in the place she loved best, and in the arms of the one she felt most secure.

I trusted in what I believe – that animals aren’t afraid to die.

I trusted in what I believe and that  I will see her again someday.

I trusted that her spirit would find its way.

I trusted I did all I could for her.

I trusted that her work was done and that I would be okay without her.

I held her in my arms as she was eased from her pain.

I kissed her soft snout one last time and gave thanks for her beautiful life.

—

There are many ways in which you can be in the moment that last day depending on the health of your pet. Perhaps a walk on their favorite path or playing in a favorite place. Perhaps giving them their favorite treat. Maybe reading them a favorite poem.

For me, it came down to making every effort to be conscious of every single moment left. And to do it in a way that honored all that Frankie was to me. When I think back on it today, I smile, and find peace in it, not sadness. But a gratefulness she was a part of my life.

When I had to say goodbye to Joie it was more sudden as she was in a great deal of pain. But recalling how I had handled things with Frankie, I was able to approach Joie’s end of life in much the same way, just in a shorter amount of time.

As I reflect on this, it is again for me, the conscious choice of being in those present moments, no matter how short or long, that have made a difference as I moved on without them.

I also believe their spirits live on and for that I find a great deal of comfort too. So for me, they are never really gone – just transformed to another realm of where I trust and believe they are well and happy. And that in turn makes me happy and grateful.

For those that the death of a pet is sudden, I believe you can still do something as a way to honor your pet.

-You can create an altar.

-Play soothing music.

-Create a special album of photos.

-Light candles.

-Talk out loud or in your mind thanking your pet, telling them how much they meant to you.

-Sit in silence and meditate.

-Recall fun and happy memories.

-Give thanks for how much they had a positive affect on your life.

-Journal your feelings or write a poem about what they meant to you.

-Talk with an animal communicator (I did this before Frankie passed and since I didn’t have much time with Joie, I did this after Joie passed away. Both times provided helpful insight).

—

Everyone will be different, but I think finding a way  that feels right to you as you go through this transition is what matters and can help the healing process in the long run.

A book I often recommend to others is by Jon Katz, Going Home, Finding Peace When Pets Die.

jon

From Jon’s book and what our dogs might leave with us as a final thought (just a portion of what he wrote):

By for now, you must know that there is always a goodbye hovering in the shadow of a dog. We are never here for long, or for long enough. We were never meant to share all of your life, only to mark its passages. We come and we go. We come when we are needed. We leave when it is time. Death is necessary. It defines life…

Thank you. It was nothing but a gift. 

And finally I ask these things of you:

Remember me.

Celebrate me.

Grieve for me.

And then, when you can, let me go, freely and in peace.

When you are ready, do me the great honor of bringing another dog into your life, so you can give and receive this gift again.

—

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Pre-grieving your Pet. A New and Interesting Term to Me.

Posted by Barbara Techel

kylie on sofa sacked out eKylie sure does have it made!

A friend of mind sent me an email the other day about pre-grieving being a possible interesting topic for my blog.

She shared with me that for years before her 19-year old kitty died, she would cry about her dying someday. She would tell her how much she would miss her. She shared with me that she now does the same thing with her dog.

I never heard of the term pre-grieving before. But as I gave it more thought, I realized I did this with Frankie, more than any other pet I’ve had. I remember as I agonized over retiring her from her work, how hard it was. Seeing her slow down was really difficult. In part, it was because I didn’t want to think about what my life would look like when she was gone. Maybe this has to do with change, and how hard change is for many people. Of course, there seems to be so much more to the layers of this, too.

With Cassie Jo, my chocolate Lab, who passed in 2005, I knew she had limited time because of her bone cancer diagnoses. Thinking back, I tried hard not to worry, but there was always this looming question of “when” that day was coming. It was more palpable knowing there was no cure for her and the day I had to say goodbye was right around the corner.

With Joie, I really had no warning. It all happened so quickly. There was little time to pre-grieve, though as I think about driving home with her after knowing there really was nothing I could do for her, I was scared I was going to lose her. So I guess I was pre-grieving her, though the time was short for that process.

I wonder too in regards to Joie if the fact I had no time to pre-grieve is why it made her death seem so much harder for me.

I did a Google search and found that there is such a thing as pre-grieving.  Though it seems to be geared more toward when a pet or person is getting older, or a serious diagnoses has been made.

In a class I took today, a woman spoke of her daughter leaving for college in a year-and-a-half and how they are beginning to look at colleges. She is thinking about the day she has to let her daughter go off on her own, and it isn’t easy. In a sense, she is pre-grieving what is to come. I know many of my friends with children have had this very same experience.

I can only speak for myself, but I think pre-grieving has much to do with letting go. We are creatures of habit and don’t always accept change so readily.

When it comes to the pets in my life, they truly fulfill me. Thinking of them not here someday is difficult. They bring me so much joy, and losing that joy is tough.

The helpful article I came across is called Pre-Grief: The Gateway to Grace, written by Kim Eisen, Success Coach and Master of EFT.  In the article she says, “As a culture, we usually talk about grief in relation to death, but it is much more than that. Grief can start the moment you think something unpleasant might happen to you or is happening to you now. While experiencing this myself and with clients, it became so apparent that because grief may have already begun just with the thought that something may be lost, why not address it now? Even if the loss is or isn’t certain, the grief associated with it is still present.

To address this issue, I created a process called “Pre-Grief: Gateway to Grace.” By walking through the imagined loss prior to the event, while neutralizing the energy associated with it, it brings you to a higher state of grace when and if that event actually occurs. And, if it doesn’t occur, you have relieved the pain of the grief associated with the “not knowing” part of you that delves into the emotions of grief anyway.

This process can be done as soon as you have a thought about it and/or during the process of the cycle of grief.”

She goes on to say, “Grief is a normal process, but it doesn’t have to be painful or continue for long periods of time. It can be processed ahead of time. We’ve been told that you have to mourn for a certain length of time after the event to justify the loss or to express your loyalty to a person. I have come to find out this is absolutely NOT true after using this Pre-Grief process with myself and my clients.”

I really appreciate that Kim calls grief a “Gateway to Grace.” Isn’t that what we all want?  Whether it is pre-grieving or grieving how do we find grace in that,is I think, a powerful and profound way to look at it.

I know for me personally, with each dog that has passed, I’ve experienced moments of grace with them on the other side, which I’ve written about with the signs I’ve received from them. Those are truly my moments of grace when we have connected, me in this world, and they in a different realm.

Interesting topic, don’t you think?  I’d love to hear your thoughts and thank my friend for writing to me about this.

Click here to link to the rest of Kim’s article.