I’m honored to be reading the manuscript of a friend whose husband left this earthly realm in 2024 and how she has connected with him in Spirit. While my spouse is still with me, I’ve experienced an unexpected and welcome way of seeing the relationship with my husband in a deeper and more understanding way with layers of new found compassion for him and for us.

There have been times reading the book of the raw and tender journey my friend has walked, when I realize I’m holding my breath. As if by doing so, I can avoid feeling any sadness or pain.

On my morning walk I pondered the ‘why’ of holding my breath. What is that about for me, I wondered. Tears sprang to my eyes as I thought about how I’ve been an asthmatic since six months old. How the lungs are associated with grief. While I’ve done much inner work over the past two decades releasing different aspects of grief I wondered if there is still more for me to uncover.

When home I sat in the living room with my journal and decks of oracle cards. I asked Spirit if there is something for me to understand in regards to having asthma and a buried memory that is painful? Holding my breath as a way to avoid or feel? Putting undo pressure on my lungs.

Never Ending Story was the first card I pulled. It’s about loving that lost part of self and that part of self only knowing fear and a reminder that we are not our stories.

Needs was the second card I pulled. Reminding self that one of the most powerful actions we can take is to meet our needs and the needs of our inner child.

The last card I pulled was Black Widow Spider and the word on the card? Grief. Of course, I said to myself.

As I sat in contemplation of what this was about memories from my little girl self came to the surface.

I was particularly drawn to Spider having done work with Spider in the past and my fear of them. After writing down what I was feeling I turned to the guidebook for Black Widow Spider.

I was firstly struck at how similar its meaning to the Spider card I created for my Animal Reflections Healing Oracle deck.

The author, Tanya Casteel, shared how the female spider eats the male after mating – which I’d discovered during the making of my card also. As I reflected on this, I wondered what else it is that I’ve swallowed and kept hidden within? This took me further down the path of grief buried. Something that never occurred to me that I wish could have been different. I felt the sadness of my little girl self while also realizing it wasn’t really the ‘fault’ of anyone, it just was. But I cried for the part of me that wanted to be understood. But now I saw that part of me and assured her I see and understand.

When creating Spider for my deck I’d come across the image of a Goliath spider. The actual image had the spider on top of a bird of which I’d learn this species of spider will eat small prey. I remember how it broke my heart to learn this! How I wanted to rescue that defenseless creature from the fangs of that spider.  I’d realize how it spoke to my childhood trauma. I wanted to use that spider image but without the bird. This then became a healing moment as I cut away that bird under the grips of that spider. As you can see that bird is now free!

Spider, for me, as reflected on the card I created, is about Rebirth. And again, I was struck how Tanya’s interpretation for Spider being about grief went together with my spider card about rebirth. Because without releasing those deep pockets of grief we can’t move into our true selves. It’s all part of the process to becoming who we truly are.

Having done work with dear Spider before, I’ve learned to welcome her when she comes to sit beside me. As she lovingly continues to lead me even closer to loving and accepting all the many parts of who I am.

Cards from: Never Ending Story – Wisdom of the Oracle by Colette Baron Reid; Needs – Healing the Inner Child Oracle by Nina Mongendre; Black Widow Spider/Grief – Cosmic Animal Emotional Intelligence Cards by Tanya Casteel; Spider/Rebirth – Animal Reflections Healing Oracle by me.

XO

Barb.