Me and Ollie after my healing session with him.
AS TIME PASSED, I had grown increasingly fascinated with the notion that we are being guided by Spirit all the time, and in so many more ways than meets the eye. I’d certainly witnessed this in various ways through nature and animals, including Gidget, who was by my side most days as my faithful companion
and teacher. I had also seen it in the workshops I facilitated, whether it was SoulCollage or ancient wisdom gatherings I co-hosted with a friend.
Thanks to the messages I had received from Snake and the assistance of Dawn and Tayria, I felt satisfied that I was healed from the wounding I had experienced as a child. Seven months, later, however, I would discover there was still more inner work I needed to do.
Pam and I were in the planning stages of a workshop when she told me she sensed a conflict within me (though I hadn’t expressed it in words) and offered me the gift of a one-on-one intensive with her and her horses.
“Along with deep breath work and meditation,” she said, “working with the horses can help open those channels and release whatever is blocking you from moving forward.”
A part of me was hesitant. Sure, I had turned to life coaching over the years when I needed an extra nudge to keep me moving forward, but I didn’t quite understand how Pam’s horses could help me. I also didn’t want to share the details of my internal struggle. On the other hand, I was grateful for the
offer and, I had to admit, more than a little curious.
One cool and sunny day in early May, I slowly drove down the long gravel driveway of Pam’s quiet and serene ten-acre property. My whole body relaxed as I took in the view of the fences and trees that lined either side of the driveway. Eventually I came upon her horses grazing in the pasture, then Pam, who was waiting for me on her front porch.
We chatted briefly about the lovely weather, then Pam began explaining the process. She told me that the horse that would be guiding me had “chosen” to work with me three days earlier.
I was curious as to why it was three days, but I didn’t ask as we began walking down the winding, grassy path that led to the area near the back of the property, where I knew Pam kept a tepee. In fact I had been inside the tepee once before, when I attended Pam’s fall solstice gathering the previous year.
Sure enough, the tepee soon came into view. I followed Pam up a short set of stairs leading to the platform where the tepee sat, then waited as she untied the front flap and motioned for me to enter.
“We are going to start with having you set an intention,” Pam said after we had settled into wooden Adirondack chairs. “After that, we will begin to work through what it is that may be blocking you.”
Setting intentions wasn’t new to me. I’d been doing this at various points on the spiritual and personal growth path I’d set out on in late 2004. We sat for a few moments in silence as I contemplated and then set my intention. Pam then opened a bag she had sitting on her lap and pulled out an oracle deck called, Touched by a Horse.
Though I had worked with other oracle cards for years, I was not familiar with this particular deck. Also, I usually pulled cards at random, but Pam handed me the deck and said, “I want you to go through the deck one-by-one and pick two cards that you feel drawn to.”
I took the deck from her and went to sit on the floor, crossing one leg over the other. I then began flipping each card over and placing it in front of me. Each one was more beautiful than the one before. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to pick just two.
After I went through the entire deck I sat and stared at all the horse cards before me. It was then that two jumped out at me.
I picked them up and said, “These two are it.” I paused to make sure. “Yes, these are definitely the two.”
“Great. Now turn each one over and read the message on the back.” As I often do when working with oracle cards at home, I felt called to read them out loud. It seems when I do so, the message is able to sink in deeper. It also helps me understand how the information pertains to my particular situation.
The first card I chose to read was that of a young foal. There was something about her innocence that made my eyes fill with tears and tugged at my heart. During my life I had struggled with feeling a loss of innocence, but I was trying to find a way to see it as a gift that had helped to shape me into who I am.
The foal card spoke to certain areas of my life that I wanted to be innocent or naive about, and I knew I was being called to examine those areas now. The message was to delve deeper into what that innocence may bring me at this time in my journey. It was also about seeing innocence as a gift to my soul and a gift to others I interact with. It called for me to walk in that state of purity and to trust that vulnerability allows new experiences to come into my life.
I picked up the second card, that of a white stallion who appeared to me to be robust, regal, and confident. He was slightly on his haunches as if ready to gallop off at any moment and his tail was flying out behind him. The card’s message was about celebration and release. It spoke to my desire to feel the same way, though a part of me was scared to do so.
I also saw this horse as helping me to celebrate the victories in my life, particularly those that felt small and insignificant, for each little moment was a step in the journey back to me. The card stated that acknowledging these achievements would assist in bringing about more of what I truly wanted. I was reminded again of how it’s our job to pay attention and look for the clues the Universe provides, then simmer in their meaning, listen for the answers, and eventually integrate them into our being.
Since my early forties, I had gradually begun owning the many parts of me while learning to stand more solidly in my truth. It hasn’t always been easy. But there were these sparks provided to me along the way that I couldn’t look away from. Many called to me to travel this path of the seeker in the hopes that I would continue to encounter new moments of light. And now I was about to experience yet another level of understanding with the help of one of Pam’s horses.
After I read the cards, Pam and I left the tepee and began walking toward the pasture. As the figures of her horses—Dan, Quill and Ollie—came into view I took a deep breath. In the past I had been scared to be around horses because of their size, and though over the years my fear had quieted somewhat, I remained cautious.
Pam walked up to the gate and opened it, then we walked through and stood silently observing the horses who were grazing ten feet away. After a few moments Pam said quietly, “Just stand still, right here in this spot. Don’t move about. One of the horses will choose you. You’ll know which one when he starts to make his way over to you.”
A thrill of excitement ran through my body! Who would choose me? I wondered. True confession time: I was really hoping it would be Ollie. He had been part of the closing ceremony at the solstice the previous year, and I had been moved by his patience not only with me but the other participants as well.
During the ceremony, which had taken place in the barn, each person was invited to choose a feather from a basket that was passed around the circle. Pam instructed us to think of something we wished to let go of as we chose our feather. After we each had our feather, Pam began to make eye contact with each participant. That was our invitation to walk up to Ollie and place our feather in his mane. In the days to come, the feathers would eventually fall out in their own time; it was our job to trust that whatever we
intended to let go of would eventually fall away as well.
When it was my turn, I approached Ollie and gently patted him on the nose before turning toward his mane. Holding my feather in one hand, I secured it with a rubber band Pam had handed me. I recall the wave of emotions I felt not only for myself but from the others gathered in the circle. The energy was so beautiful and palpable.
Now, as I stood there waiting to be chosen, I tried, despite my previous connection with Ollie, to be open to the other horses as well. I told myself that whatever happened was meant to be.
About five minutes had passed when Ollie started to inch his way toward me. I could barely contain my excitement but remained still. Before I knew it, he stood before me in all his magnificent beauty and strength. I didn’t know whether to jump for joy or cry, so honored was I that Ollie had chosen to be my guide!
Pam said, “We are now going to walk to the round pen. Ollie will follow.” Without saying anything to Ollie, we both turned toward the round pen and began to walk. Ollie did the same. When we got to the gate, Pam opened it as I stepped aside to allow Ollie to stroll through.
Pam instructed me to stay outside the pen as she joined Ollie inside the enclosure and closed the gate. He was now in the center of the pen with Pam standing beside him. Without speaking, Pam extended her left arm out to her side. As she did that, Ollie began to walk in a circle around the pen. Pam
walked quickly toward him and was soon walking beside him.
Within a few moments, with no talking or visual instruction, he then began to trot when Pam picked up her pace. As Pam weaved back and forth, so did Ollie. They were dancing in the most beautiful and graceful way side-by-side. I was mesmerized by their connection. Again, I wanted to weep for
it was breathtaking to witness.
It was then my turn to be with Ollie. As Pam opened the gate and stepped out, she invited me to step into the pen. At this point, Ollie was standing near the fence.
“Walk to the center of the pen,” she said.
I did as she instructed.
“Now you are going to connect with Ollie without talking. You will be working with the energy of a horse. It’s a way of communicating with them and guiding them to what you wish them to do.”
I nodded and took a deep breath to ground myself, then turned to look into Ollie’s big, soft brown eyes.
While I immensely enjoyed looking into the eyes of this gorgeous horse, I felt awkward and unsure of how to truly connect to him as I’d just observed Pam do.
Feeling a bit silly, I lifted my left arm out the side as Pam had done, hoping that Ollie would once again begin to walk in a circle.
He didn’t move. I did it again. He then turned and looked the other way, leaving me to stare at his large backend. I wanted so badly to connect with him. I tried to will him with my mind to move, but nothing happened.
No matter what I did Ollie wouldn’t budge, which was frustrating. Now that I was here and Ollie had chosen me, I wanted more than ever to connect with an animal in the way Pam had so beautifully demonstrated.
“To direct your energy means to build a connection with Ollie,” Pam said as if reading my thoughts. “To do this, you must first find your center of power, your energy source, that center of gravity and feel the ground beneath your feet. This helps you to relax while also helping to build your physical vibration which then can be felt by the horse. You can then focus on the horse, feeling into his energy in motion, and this is what creates a mutual exchange between the two of you.”
I nodded, realizing this wasn’t something I could mentally “get” but would rather have to feel my way through.
“It’s an ancient form of communication with human and horse, with both expressing themselves freely through a beautiful dance. It’s feeling the flow of energy exchange that is being shared and released through each step and both fully enjoying each other’s company.”
I took in what Pam said as I tried again and again. But Ollie stood in place as if I wasn’t even there.
Finally, Pam asked, “Do you know what the Native American call horses?”
“No, what?”
“Big Ol’ dogs.”
It was if a light bulb had gone off. I knew how to connect with dogs. After what had felt like hours with no response from Ollie, something suddenly shifted. I put one foot in front of the other and began to walk around the pen. A moment later, out of the corner of my eye I saw Ollie turn his head and start walking toward me. Before I knew it, he was beside me. Though I continued to walk slowly, inside I was jumping up and down with glee!
After a moment or two, Pam said, “Now pick up your pace to a slow trot.”
When I sped up, so did Ollie. When I slowed down, Ollie followed that rhythm too. If I got too close to the front of his head, he would stop taking my lead.
Pam called out, “Be sure to stay behind Ollie’s head and imagine you are in a bubble with him.”
I did as she suggested and noted that Ollie and I were perfectly in sync, moving as one. Oh, how my spirit soared! I was dancing with Ollie!
This noble and powerful animal was only a few inches from me. It was so profound and moved me to tears.
As I tired and slowed down, so did Ollie. Coming to a halt, I stood next to him, breathing in the exquisite connection I just experienced. It felt as though I had entered a different realm.
“Great job, Barb!” Pam said as she joined us in the pen. “Next, I’m going to take you through a series of questions. This will help you to reflect on the intention you set earlier this morning.”
I nodded in understanding.
“If you are comfortable you can place your hand on Ollie and keep it there while I ask you the questions. You don’t have to answer them out loud, but if it helps you to do so that’s fine too.”
I didn’t hesitate to place my hand on Ollie’s side.
“Now I’d like you to close your eyes. Again, only if this feels comfortable for you.”
I closed my eyes as Pam asked me each question. Some I answered out loud, some I contemplated in silence.
The purpose of the exercise was to guide me to focus inwardly on my intention and understand more deeply what was stopping me from taking the next steps in my life.
Suddenly, that old vision of being touched inappropriately as a child once against flashed through my mind, bringing with it a wave of emotions. How could this be, when I had done so much work to heal it? A part of me was so tired of it taking up space in my mind, but the other part wasn’t sure how to move through it.
With my hand resting on Ollie’s soft and muscular body, I felt an opening in my heart of hope and courage. This beautiful creature, the epitome of strength and grace, was something I wanted to become too.
When the last question had been asked and answered, Pam invited me to open my eyes when I was ready. She then walked Ollie to the gate of the pen. Before opening the gate, she asked me to disconnect from Ollie in whatever way felt comfortable for me.
“I like for the horse to make their own choice when parting ways and not force anything upon them. This is out of respect for the horse and acknowledging the gifts and their presence they shared with us.”
Tears filled my eyes. It touched my heart to part in a mutually respectful way.
Placing a hand on Ollie’s muzzle, I looked into his eyes and thanked him for having patience with me and for allowing me to spend time with him.
Pam opened the gate, and within a few moments Ollie sauntered out into the pasture. As we watched him, I asked Pam if I could have a picture with Ollie. I felt such gratitude for his willingness to play a role in guiding me to a more peaceful place.
“Of course.”
Once Ollie was further out into the pasture, we joined him there. As I stood next to him, Pam snapped a photo and then another. It was the third shot that became my favorite. Ollie reared his head up, and with his mouth wide open, his prominent teeth gleaming and his lips open to the sky, he
neighed as if laughing.
His silliness was contagious, and I broke out in laughter. The photo of Ollie and me is priceless and reminds me of the importance of play and laughter.
More insight came to me a few days later. I realized when I embrace my own power it’s truly the one thing no one can ever take away from me. I also realized that whether I’m in the physical presence of Ollie or not, he is a part of me, just like the animals I’ve shared my life with and white wolf. Each have guided me, just as surely as nature and the Creator have done.
Horses have known this ancient wisdom all along. The more I let myself be with this, allowing it to integrate, the more I feel all animals are calling us to awaken and live fully in the truth of who we are.
Chapter 14 from: I’m Fine Just the Way I Am – Healing Emotional Pain through the Wisdom of Animals and Oracles
©Barbara Techel