It’s been awhile! But here I am once again and happy to be back.
Two weeks ago John helped me replant the honeysuckle that wasn’t getting any sunlight where it was located due to a hydrangea tree that when in full bloom casts a shadow, blocking it from the sun.
Last weekend as I weeded the garden, I was thinking about what I wanted to share with you today, giving thought to a title for this post. When I looked up, I saw Gidget peering out from behind the honeysuckle’s new home and it came to me – Out of the Shadows. A Call to Life.
Spring—a time of rebirth which nature so beautifully reflects for us that we too will go through rebirths of our own. And so it was for me and the reason for my absence from my blog.
As has been the case oftentimes the last thirteen years, dogs have been a reflection for me in helping me understand more about myself.
When I adopted Gidget in 2013 I recall the first months of her living with us how I began referring to her as my Buddha dog. There was something very deep and wise about her. While I couldn’t define why that really was, it was just something I sensed. And recently, that was about to become more clear. Though it would require much inner work and facing some shadow aspects of myself.
At the height of it all the last two months, my world was filled with great angst, chaos and darkness. As someone who tries to always see the positive in life, this was a scary and unfamiliar place for me. At times, it felt like a tornado bent on destruction and was the most intense emotional pain I’d experienced before. Oftentimes I’d find myself in a space of feeling like I’d hit my threshold and I just couldn’t cope—and especially when dealing with chronic issues with Gidget when I felt this most.
I love, respect and appreciate animals deeply and feel such gratitude for all they’ve taught me. So the feelings of anger and resentment I was having toward this sweet being was very difficult to understand and I felt so much guilt and shame. At times I really felt like there were two people inside of me
But this was a clear warning signal that there was something here I needed to deal with. Though like many, we’ve been conditioned to just push down our wounds and fears which so often we carry with us from childhood – and the thing is, we all have some type of wounding. Though it can often be buried in our subconscious until something triggers it, or shows up as repeated patterns in our lives.
While the details of my childhood wounds may be different from yours, what is important to me in sharing my recent deep dive into my fear and pain, is for you to know that you matter and your pain matters, too. Time and time again in conversations with other women I’ve heard them dismiss, or try to minimize their pain, stating that “so and so” is worse off than they are —as if their pain isn’t worthy or that it matters. This isn’t to minimize at all horrific experiences some have endured during childhood, but instead to say that this experience has taught me even more about empathy, and that most of us carry emotional wounds from our childhood.
Our pain and deep hurts are signposts to guide us, to see them for what they are, to release them, integrate them, and open to a new way of witnessing ourselves – and that as the truly beautiful and caring souls we are, no matter our past.
Our pain also need not define us. When this happens we can get caught in victim mode and again, sometimes we aren’t even consciously aware of this. But what if instead we could approach our wounding as part of our journey to something greater for our lives? If we heed the call to look at the wounds and trust it will be worth the effort, it can help guide us to a new awareness and a deeper sense of peace.
I now understand this even more intimately. I also understand this isn’t an easy thing to do having just gone through an intense couple of weeks facing my own pain and fears. But I can say that by embracing all my emotions about my own childhood hurts and really feeling all of them, I feel freer than I’ve ever felt before.
With support from an animal communicator, a pet companion counselor and a depth psychologist who specializes in dream therapy, I fully immersed myself into all my feelings I’d kept buried, especially resentment, anger, and shame.
Gidget was acting as a reflection for me which the animal communicator helped me to understand – though I’ll be honest, I found it quite challenging in the beginning because I kept trying to grasp it from my mental state of being.
I’ve also never been one to remember my dreams or capture them for that matter, but since the beginning of the year I’d written down about eight different dreams I’d had. Gidget, and my dreams, were working hard to help guide me. Once I found the courage to really look at it all, a new awareness began to emerge.
While there are many paths I’ve walked over the years, and all instrumental, to where find myself where I am today with this new and welcome perspective, it’s my relationship with Gidget that I reflect on with deep gratitude for the part she played in helping me (this is something I’ll be expanding on in a book I’m currently working on). For now, I’ll share that Gidget has more than earned her new title that I relish in calling her which is, The Divine Miss G (think Bette Midler – The Divine Miss M).
As I moved through this challenging time with a foundation of support, I gently reminded myself that I am a loving and compassionate person as I carefully navigated the many walls and doors I was afraid to look at within my psyche. While my fear had kept me in a prison that had me questioning my own mind at times, I no longer wanted to carry what felt like a cement block around my heart. I also knew it was important to forgive the parts of myself that were only trying to protect me the best they knew how.
The little girl inside me was crying out to be heard and I wanted more than anything now to be there for her. She was finally able to have her say, while it was important that I, as her loving guardian, watched over her and kept assuring her that no harm would come to her —and that she was safe and she was loved.
What I came to experience is that by embracing all my emotions, feeling every one of them – especially the difficult ones that as “good girls” we are taught they are “bad” to have – I was able to see them for what they were acting as a guide to help me move beyond my fear. I was able to integrate my emotions and gain more clarity. My coping skills improved immensely and I’m finding so much joy again in the simple things.
I’ve learned that by lovingly exploring my soul, not only was I granted more compassion for myself, but I also opened a deeper channel of empathy and a reminder to be more mindful of those walking beside me who likely have fears of their own.
Even though I may not personally know the pain of those I come in contact with, it’s truly my belief that by continuing to be the best I can be, accepting all parts of who I am, that I become more peaceful within and that by default affects those that cross my path – whether either of us consciously recognizes it in the moment or not. But when you find more peace within, you by default move through life with more ease and peace.
And so out of the shadows I am—and grateful for another opportunity for this call to life and to appreciate how precious this one wild life really is.
Thanks for listening!
XO,
Barbara