It used to be that every morning I’d tuck Gidget under my right arm, holding her like a football, and head out to my writing cottage, where I move through my ritual of centering myself for the day by meditating, practicing yoga, and journaling.
These days all is the same, but one thing is different and it has been for quite awhile now. Gidget more often than not stays behind to sleep either in her bed in the living room or in the kitchen.
It occurred to me some time ago that perhaps I wasn’t honoring what she truly wanted. From my first dachshund, Frankie, to Joie, who was only with me a short time, it was what I did since 2009 when my writing cottage was first built – a dachshund tucked under my arm as I sauntered out to my special space.
As I reflect on this need to have a dog beside me, in many ways a security blanket, like Linus in the Peanuts cartoon who always had to have his blanket.
When Gidget came to live with John and me, I wanted a companion dog in the sense I wouldn’t be sharing her with others like I did with Frankie as a therapy dog team and visiting schools, and as I had tried to with Joie also. I was ready to let go of that phase in my life.
With each dog, I’ve grown in ways I couldn’t have predicted. Gidget being just my companion dog and what I wanted, I also sensed in her a streak of independence when I first met her. But for the first few years, struggling with my own identity, I didn’t always honor her to be who she needed to be. It wasn’t something I did consciously.
But I see it more clearly now. While at first it made me sad that Gidget wasn’t with me during this time in the morning I consider so sacred, I now find myself with a new understanding of her, as well as myself.
Perhaps in a way, Gidget’s choice to stay behind as I make my way out to my writing cottage is her way of honoring my needs – sensing something I couldn’t first see. That time truly alone in my own space as important for me and my growth. And time for her to be alone as important to her well-being too.
The sadness I first felt has since been replaced with feeling good about honoring Gidget’s needs in this way. I also feel gratitude overtake my heart for her teaching of helping me to become even stronger in who I am, guiding me to let go of an old story, and relish in the parts of me that are emerging that welcome my own independence.
She truly is such a remarkable animal guide for me and I see that more and more everyday. I can’t help but think that when I return into the house today, I will bring my hands together in front of my heart, and say to her “Namaste – “The divine in me honors the divine in you.”
And with that, Namaste to each of you too…and thank you for being a part of my community.
Since 1995 I’ve had at least one dog, though most of the time two. Since Kylie passed in November, we are down to just one. And one it will be. We’ve decided no more big dogs. As I’ve also mentioned before in my posts, Gidget will also be my last special needs pup I’ll adopt.
What a journey it has been. There are times I’m so ready to be on my own without caring for a canine companion, but then there are other times I just can’t imagine not having a dog after Gidget moves on. For 24 years now there has always been a bundle of fur to cuddle up to in our household. But I feel ready for a break when that day comes.
Earlier in the week I set off on an excursion by myself. Well, that is…almost by myself, as I had my ever faithful sidekick with me, Miss G. But this was something I’d not done before in my almost 55 years which was to venture off without another human being with me. To stay in an RV in a campground. Two hours away. By myself.
It was a big deal to me. Three days to myself. I registered for a half day writing workshop, which was on Tuesday. That was such a treat. I enjoyed every moment of discussion and free writing about forgiveness and compassion. It was exactly what I needed.
The first night in the very quiet campground I swear I heard every little thing that went bump in the night. 🙂 I woke up often and at one point I wondered why I had done this. I wanted to go home.
But I stuck it out. Gidget was curled up in her little bed next to me in the big bed and that was quite comforting. It made me wonder though what it would be like to be in the RV without her. It was then I felt an overwhelming gratitude to have her part of my life.
I’m treasuring even more these days my time with her, even though I still have my moments of looking forward to how my life will unfold when she is no longer here. It’s been difficult at times for me to express this here on my blog for fear of judgement. While I’ll miss her greatly when she departs, I have to be honest and say that after caring for three disabled dachshunds since 2006, there will be relief in not having that responsibility.
Each dog has brought me to this place I am today. More comfortable in who I am. Standing stronger on my feet than I’ve ever felt before. And it’s because of Gidget and so much she has taught me that I feel ready to be solo out in the world someday. For how long that will be, I don’t know. But I’m not meant to figure any of that out right now.
This three day solo excursion was a wee little taste of being on my own as John stayed behind understanding that this was something I needed to do. I’m proud that I did this. Whenever we take a leap and dive into our fears, well, the end result is feeling like you can do just about anything!
While I’m glad to be back home and don’t need to venture out on a solo excursion for awhile again, I’m really glad I challenged myself. I feel changed in subtle ways and it just really feels like this is all the part of the process of what lies ahead as I continue to expand in who I am.
I want to publicly apologize to the slug. I’ve come to realize I was associating my idea of slug negatively yesterday, when in fact, embodying slug was exactly what I needed to be doing.
For many of us, I think we truly don’t appreciate the slug and what they can teach us and now the gem of a teaching surfaced from slug that I felt called to the page to share.
As many of you know, since 2006 I’ve been caring for dachshunds with IVDD and on my third now with Gidget. It hasn’t always been easy, but a path I was called to, and then chose to travel for various reasons. Though it has come with many rewards too and which I’m very grateful for the growth I’ve experienced. And not to be left out, the depth of love I’ve received from them!
So perhaps you are wondering how the teaching of a slug plays into this? Well, hopefully it will make sense, but bear with me as this is how my mind works. 🙂
Recently Gidget had another Urinary Tract Infection (UTI), which can be common with dogs with disc disease. After treating it with antibiotics, unfortunately it came back. So a sample of her urine was sent in for a culture to see what type of bacteria we are dealing with to be able to treat it accordingly in hopes it will completely clear up. It’s a road I’ve been down often with all of my doxie’s. On top of the extra daily care required with dogs with disc disease, along with other health challenges with Gidget along the way, well, I was left feeling exhausted.
A part of me is also realizing that my time will eventually come to an end one day where I will no longer care for a special needs dachshund. While I thought at one time I’d always want to care for a special needs dog, in being honest with myself the last few years, I’m looking forward to a day where I won’t have these constraints. While honestly, I feel some joy with this awareness, I also feel sadness too. It’s been so much a part of who I am.
While I’ve never had children, and I wouldn’t compare a dog with that of a child, I feel like I can somewhat relate to thinking about that empty nest concept that will eventually come for me. Of course, I have no idea when that will be. But Gidget will be twelve in April and with the recent loss of Kylie, perhaps it is why it looms larger on my mind than usual.
And yesterday, I just felt exhausted from all these years of caring for a special needs dachshund, plus what is going on with Gidget right now, and with my own psyche of understanding all of this as part of preparing myself for that someday. While also recognizing I don’t want to lose site of living in the present moment and enjoy each precious moment with Gidget. But I also do think about what my life will look like after I’ve been so used to being in the mode of caring for a special needs dog.
A part of me feels ready for this step when it comes, but a part of me does not. And then I fight internally with myself when I feel exhausted as I did yesterday. It can all be quite the emotional roller coaster. And I didn’t go willingly at first, but decided I would just be a slug for the rest of the day after running some errands yesterday morning.
So I slept on and off all afternoon trying to honor that is what I needed. Though I kept negatively referring to myself as a slug. As the afternoon sunshine gave way to dusk and then dark, I began to feel lighter in spirit once again and that I could handle whatever comes my way.
It then occurred to me that I was back, being in my body once again as I felt more grounded. And I thought about how it is like that of a snail who carries a shell on their back that is their home. But I first had to be a slug and not carry the weight of the world on my back and instead surrender to what was, and honor a s-l-o-w-e-r pace to find my balance once again.
This also made me think about the spiral design on the shell of a snail which is wonderful symbolism for life and how we must allow ourselves to spiral in and then out again. We can’t always be living in an outward spiral motion! In other words, we can’t always be in a state of going or doing!
After this realization, I did some research and appreciate the symbolism I found regarding slug and snail that makes perfect sense:
A Slug embodies both the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine. Because of this, the slug is more a spiritual being than an earthly being. Great balance and strength is also a message that the slug can bring to its beholder.
Snails symbolize many deep and powerful things that most of us might not realize. These little crawlers are more in-depth than ever imagined. Keep in mind that not only are there land snails, but there are also sea snails so in this regard this species bridges the gap between elements. And any animal that bridges the gap between two elements bridges the gap between the mundane and the spiritual worlds.
A snail symbolizes:
bridging the gap between the element of Earth and Water
the spiral or cycle of life, death, and rebirth
the earth’s rotation around the sun
carrying one’s home with them
taking one’s time and enjoying life at a slower pace
It all brought it home when I thought about the importance of finding sanctuary and bringing myself back into balance again – just like slug symbolizes and with snail who carries their home on their back.
And I came to realize all the symbolism that was playing out the last two days that was showing me I needed to rest. Not only with slug and snail as my guides, but also what was said by one of the gal’s in my women’s mastermind group when we met in my home Wednesday morning.
She shared with me the positive energy she could feel being in my home and how she feels that is so much a part of who I am and what I exude in the world. Then Thursday morning doing my daily ritual of pulling an oracle card and journaling with it, what should I pull, but a card about home?!
Home in the literal sense, being my home, is my sanctuary. It’s where I can completely be me. It’s where I can find respite from my whirling thoughts and let go and surrender so I can eventually come back home to the heart of who I am and what matters.
Today I can see with utmost clarity how slug, along with the symbolism of snail and messages I was receiving about home were reflecting what it was I truly needed to honor for myself in order to move forward again.
And this my friends, is what I call magical, when we can open to life in this way and see it as all part of the process.
XO,
Barbara
P.S. To appreciate Slug and Snail even more, I share this sweet video!
