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When Truth Explodes to the Surface

When Truth Explodes to the Surface

Have you had those moments when a truth full of raw emotion comes flooding to the surface?

Though they can still catch me off guard when they happen, it’s when I allow myself to sit with the vast and raw mix of feelings, which can sometimes feel like an out of body experience, I can see it as part of an important process of the evolution of moving more deeply into the heart of who I am.

This summer, while it has felt intense at times, riding waves of certainty and then not, has me recognizing, and embracing, a new expansion of personal growth.

While I try not to fall into having regrets, I have moments of reflection that can sometimes take my breath away.

One such unexpected flash occurred this week – a truth that had been slowly eating away at me below the surface…and finally exploded into reality—a truth that was hard to look at, but would ultimately serve as another level of healing.

It had been buried so deep, afraid to be voiced out loud, because it still carried so much shame and one in which I thought I had worked through.

Connecting with some amazing women from around the globe this summer in a 22-week online program I’ve been taking part in, I’ve had the honor of getting to know a dear woman, native to India, but now lives in Texas, and is a mid-wife, Jumana.

Her calling to women as stated on her website: “Wise women your body holds the wisdom and the innate knowing to birth your child. Discover the raw untapped power held in your womb, and let the magic unfold.”

Jumana’s gift of bringing babies into this world in such a gentle, sacred, and natural way, opened a place within me that I came to realize still needed healing.

While I wrote in my first memoir, Through Frankie’s Eyes, that my husband, John and I made the choice to not have children, it’s in this stage of our lives – now in our mid and late 50s, we have moments of reflection of what might have been. Though not in regret, but rather in a healing way of how this is part of the journey we have walked together, yet alone.

For me, what exploded to the surface was my admitting that a part of me carried a deep seated fear of carrying a baby in my body.

But more so, how that baby at the end of nine months would have to birth its way out into the world through me. For all these years the fear so real, that it became part of one of the many reasons why I would choose not to have children.

While initially it was very hard for me to look at and accept, simmering in this truth, now out from within that dark trapped place of shame, I welcome it. I feel lighter and freer. I see it for the gift it gave me.

I understand it as a part of my path. For had I had children, I wouldn’t be who I am today in many ways – I couldn’t have been there for others like I’ve been able to – I likely couldn’t have given all of myself to what is my mission to fulfill.

And I have come to understand that as a woman, there is more than one way in which we give birth, and we do it often, in so many different ways throughout our lives.

And my belief…that the reason we are here on this earth at this particular time, is to set ourselves free from those raw truths that we can carry like chains which can hold us back from being fully who we are.

We each have a divine and beautiful purpose to being on this planet right now.

And I belief we are being called to see that truth within…and allow it to bubble to the surface without harsh judgement. 

But to just be with it, see it for the gift it is, and embrace it and let it integrate fully into who we are, while gently letting the rest fall away that no longer serves us.

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Have Van Will Travel: Cicadas, Vango Airbeam Tent & Excitement Building

Have Van Will Travel: Cicadas, Airbeam Tent & Excitement Building

Our Vango Airbeam Kela III tent arrived last week and today was the day for the practice run to set it up. The Airbeam technology is slick as you don’t have any poles involved.

It is also a driveaway awning which means when we want to take our van away from camp we just detach a portion of the tent and away we go – while the tent stands on its own.  In the photo above this is actually the backside, which will attach to the side of our van.

Of course we thought we didn’t need to read the directions and just go ahead and put the tent up – no problem. Wrong. I can never understand reading directions anyways. But what we should have done FIRST was to watch a how-to video on pitching it.

But alas, this is why they call it a practice run, right?  And we could have saved ourselves a lot of work had we watched the video first. But now we know that next time, when at camp, it will go much smoother.

And the good news is we made it through without any big argument…and a cicada that decided to crawl up my leg. eeeks!  I guess it thought I was a tree and was hanging out on my “limb.” haha!  🙂  And a baby frog hopped into the tent also as we were setting up.  

All this in our front lawn!  Perhaps it is getting us ready for when we are out in the “big woods.” 

The excitement is building and last night we decided we will venture out on a short jaunt the week following Labor Day. The Vamper won’t be done with a kitchen, but a stove/oven is on order which we will use in the tent. And by venturing out we can then get a feel as to how we will move about in our van and how to plan for the kitchen area inside.

Today, John is building his bed, which will run the length of the van, while my bed, which is already built, runs horizontally over the wheel base. He is amazingly creative with space too, which makes me a happy camper. John showed me a space where there will be two extra drawers that weren’t in the plan as of last week. Woo hoo!

So the tent is rolled back up and actually made it back into into the carry bag without too much trouble, sweat or tears…and I’m happy to say I did it all by myself.

Past posts for Have Van Will Travel Journal

The Adventure Has Begun. New Home on Wheels. Who’d of Thunk?

The Conversion Begins

Inspector Approves of Phase One Conversion

She Gets a Name

First a Name and Now Mascots

Cozy Comfort

Flooring is In (video)

Cutting it Close

Slow and Steady Wins the Race (video)

I Married a Creative Genius

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It’s in the Air

It's in the Air.
photo credit: Mary Kohls Blanke

How does nature do it? This subtle shift that begins to take place with the changing of seasons.

The light dances early in the morning in my Zen writing cottage with a different rhythm than earlier this summer. It almost looks as if it is a soft ripple of a wave cascading over my hardwood floor. I want to swim in its magic!

This photo above I saw on Facebook this morning, by one of my favorite local photographers Mary, and it made me catch my breath. Another indication that we are moving ever-so-gently toward autumn.

Fall…my most favorite time of the year! I truly wish there was a place on earth that was fall all year-long. Ah, but as I write this, it would likely take away the magic and the anticipation -two things I’m not willing to sacrifice.

Autumnal season…It conjures up in me the most delightful feeling – one I find hard to express in words – because fall is all about emotion for me.

I find myself wanting to listen to piano music. I want to declutter and organize and am thrilled to say my walk-in closet, plus jewelry and make-up has been freed of its staleness and the letting go of what no longer sparked joy. Many clothes and shoes I have tired of are headed to St. Vincent De Paul this week…to be loved by another. I wish them well.

I want to immerse myself in nature more with walks. My heart melts into a welcome slowing down around our chiminea as the geese have returned and begun their nightly honking and fly-overs.

This summer has been much about letting go for me and a time of embracing new possibilities. Opening and expanding which isn’t always easy work, but serving as a beautiful response in how I feel about my life.

And just like nature, we must allow our lives to flow without trying to control it, knowing that each season brings with it just what we need.

It’s in the air…and I welcome it all.

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