Have you had those moments when a truth full of raw emotion comes flooding to the surface?
Though they can still catch me off guard when they happen, it’s when I allow myself to sit with the vast and raw mix of feelings, which can sometimes feel like an out of body experience, I can see it as part of an important process of the evolution of moving more deeply into the heart of who I am.
This summer, while it has felt intense at times, riding waves of certainty and then not, has me recognizing, and embracing, a new expansion of personal growth.
While I try not to fall into having regrets, I have moments of reflection that can sometimes take my breath away.
One such unexpected flash occurred this week – a truth that had been slowly eating away at me below the surface…and finally exploded into reality—a truth that was hard to look at, but would ultimately serve as another level of healing.
It had been buried so deep, afraid to be voiced out loud, because it still carried so much shame and one in which I thought I had worked through.
Connecting with some amazing women from around the globe this summer in a 22-week online program I’ve been taking part in, I’ve had the honor of getting to know a dear woman, native to India, but now lives in Texas, and is a mid-wife, Jumana.
Her calling to women as stated on her website: “Wise women your body holds the wisdom and the innate knowing to birth your child. Discover the raw untapped power held in your womb, and let the magic unfold.”
Jumana’s gift of bringing babies into this world in such a gentle, sacred, and natural way, opened a place within me that I came to realize still needed healing.
While I wrote in my first memoir, Through Frankie’s Eyes, that my husband, John and I made the choice to not have children, it’s in this stage of our lives – now in our mid and late 50s, we have moments of reflection of what might have been. Though not in regret, but rather in a healing way of how this is part of the journey we have walked together, yet alone.
For me, what exploded to the surface was my admitting that a part of me carried a deep seated fear of carrying a baby in my body.
But more so, how that baby at the end of nine months would have to birth its way out into the world through me. For all these years the fear so real, that it became part of one of the many reasons why I would choose not to have children.
While initially it was very hard for me to look at and accept, simmering in this truth, now out from within that dark trapped place of shame, I welcome it. I feel lighter and freer. I see it for the gift it gave me.
I understand it as a part of my path. For had I had children, I wouldn’t be who I am today in many ways – I couldn’t have been there for others like I’ve been able to – I likely couldn’t have given all of myself to what is my mission to fulfill.
And I have come to understand that as a woman, there is more than one way in which we give birth, and we do it often, in so many different ways throughout our lives.
And my belief…that the reason we are here on this earth at this particular time, is to set ourselves free from those raw truths that we can carry like chains which can hold us back from being fully who we are.
We each have a divine and beautiful purpose to being on this planet right now.
And I belief we are being called to see that truth within…and allow it to bubble to the surface without harsh judgement.
But to just be with it, see it for the gift it is, and embrace it and let it integrate fully into who we are, while gently letting the rest fall away that no longer serves us.
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