self-examined life

Reflections on Feeling Stuck From Wild Woman Oracle and Betty Blue Flowers

Posted by Barbara Techel

A saying exists: a writer gets to live twice. First we live, and then we write about how we lived. Like a cow that brings up its feed and chews it again, a writer has a second chance to digest experience. The second time is in the notebook or in front of a computer screen. Often the second is the real time for a writer. It is then we get to claim our existence. ~Natalie Goldberg, Let the Whole Thundering World Come In

There is so much depth and truth in this statement Natalie shares in her new book about her recent journey with cancer and how that unfolded for her. Not only did she have to endure her experience of cancer once, but she opened herself up again to all the feelings for others to glean from it what they will. And in large part because it’s who she is as a writer.

As I woke this morning my mind immediately drifted to where I left off yesterday working on writing my newest, and third, memoir. I was feeling very stuck. Which led me to feeling frustrated. Which then led me to trying to talk myself down from the ledge of being hard on myself. I reminded myself that this is a process. I also reminded myself that I have my own process and that I must trust it. And all of this…this is part of the process of writing a book.

For me, I’m not just actively writing when I’m at the keyboard, it’s what I want to write in upcoming chapters, or the next days writing on my mind, that drifts in and out most days when I’m in the thick of a new book. It’s not always easy for me to turn it off. I’ve come to a better place in understanding now that this is how I write and thus I’m much more comfortable with how I move through my process.

But there are times I feel stuck, as I did this morning, dreading the moment I’d come to the computer screen. As I walked out my bedroom patio door to my writing cottage, across the deck, it was the flowers in the window planter, called “Betty Blue” that caught my eye.

I reflected on how when the weather is not to their liking, they close, and I’m not able to enjoy their soft blue color I love so much. Instead they look brown and almost as if they are dying. I realized then they just go inward for a time being, conserving their energy, to appear again another day. While they may appear to being doing nothing, it’s truly not the case. They are alive and well within their own process.

So what do I need this morning, I thought, that will guide me along in my process? Normally I meditate first. Then I sit down at the table behind my writing desk, overlooking the gully full of luscious greenery this time of year, ponder a question I’d like Spirit to help me with, write it down, and then pick an oracle card or two to see what insight they have to offer, along with trusting my intuition to guide me, also.

Instead, today I felt called to ponder my question first, write it down, tuck it in my mind as I meditated, and then pull an oracle card from The Mystical Shaman Oracle deck (my new favorite that I can’t seem to get enough of!) and write my insight in my journal.

While the flowers and their reflection had encouraged me to go inward, the first place my eye landed when I picked the Wild Woman card, was her heart. My eye was then drawn to the tree coming out the top of her head.

I wrote: Stay connected to your true nature which is at the heart of who you are.

I felt that vibrate throughout my body as truth. I’d felt stuck because I had fear around what I wanted to write about next – fear of judgement and my ego trying once again to protect me.

As my eye wandered up to the wild branches blooming from Wild Woman’s head I knew I wanted more than anything to let my thoughts flow and branch out into manifestation without fear of how they will land.

Then reading what the booklet had to offer, I smiled as what resonated for me is this: “Your authentic self does not fit in a box. Our light gets dimmed by the restrictions placed upon us as a society. Wild Woman reminds us to shine brightly regardless of perceived outcomes.”

I thought back to Natalie’s quote and how true it is that not only do writers live their experience as our own, but then we subject ourselves to opening and sharing with others, which means what we write may not always be what others agree with. But what we feel called to do, not only as a big part of who we are, but as a way in which we do get this opportunity to move through the experiences of our own lives again, thus gaining even more clarity and understanding of who we truly are.

Spending this time in honoring what was calling to me and time in reflection, I found my way to where I’d left off yesterday, and ended up with words flowing effortlessly from the end of my fingers, and grateful for a keyboard to capture them as fast as they were coming.

XO,

Barbara

Are you feeling stuck in an area of your life? Book a private intuitive oracle guidance session with me here.  I’d be honored to be your guide.

A Sense of Belonging

Posted by Barbara Techel
A Sense of Belonging
 
When fragmented, fearful, and at any time, feel the Earth and sense her spirit. Harmonize with her until you feel a deep sense of belonging.  – Llyn Cedar Roberts, M.A.
 
For the third time in three days I’ve heard something about this sense of belonging.
 
First in this interview with Sarah-Jane Farrell hosted by Dr. Cara Gubbins where she says, “Sarah-Jane helped us all see ourselves more clearly and connect more deeply with ourselves and every aspect of our lives.”
 
Then last night watching a short documentary with Ram Dass, called Going Home, which is available on Netflix. Then this morning I opened my email to see the above quote from Llyn Cedar Roberts.
 
Okay, Universe, I said. I’m paying attention.
 
How often I’ve thought about a sense of belonging as finding the right tribe to be around. Where you feel like you have a sense of place in this world and other’s understand you. I still believe this to be true and that it’s important. But it’s also something deeper. It’s something I’ve been doing much inner work around lately. It’s no mistake the universe, always speaking to us in symbols and messages, has been sending these my way of late. Or perhaps what I really believe is that this is just another level of awakening I’m going through.
 
While I’m not ready to share the details around this conscious time of inner reflection I’ve been immersed in, I will say that this sense of belonging to oneself, as the utmost first importance, is starting to make much more sense to me. As someone who teaches workshops and guides women one-on-one, wanting for them to really understand that it’s okay to put themselves first, and vital to living a fulfilling life, it’s something I still have my moments of grappling with. 
 
Such is the place I’m in right now, which I’ll admit, has had me experiencing some very painful moments. While it’s important to me to be a positive face in the world and something I’ve made a conscious effort to do, I’m recognizing that feeling all my emotions, whether I share them or not, is vital to my own well-being. How important it is for me to feel and acknowledge certain things of which I’m quite critical in judgement of myself. But seeing them for what they are, being okay with what is, and integrating it all into my being.
 
This isn’t always easy, and while I’ve made great strides the last thirteen years in living a self-examined life, there is still much work to be done. While this feels painful when in the eye of the storm with my emotions whirling like a tornado, I know now from past experience that this is necessary. I also know it’s only temporary – though I don’t always remember this in the moment of feeling lost and just want out.
 
But this sense of belonging is about embracing it all and still loving myself. It’s about coming home to myself.
 
I share with you one more quote today. This one which I’ve had on my website now for over ten years. But I’m experiencing another layer of it I’d not seen before with this belonging to oneself. Because the work in walking this journey back to where we came from is really about walking back home to ourselves.
 
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. -Anais Nin
 
XO,
Barbara 

Navigating the Space In-Between

Posted by Barbara Techel
Navigating the Space In-Between
Pausing, Contemplating, Capturing

March… the month of transition…that in-between space. Winter still shows itself at times, but it doesn’t linger as long.  As the sun moves closer to the earth it helps usher in a tease of warmth of the promise of what is on the way.

A space of in-between is where I find myself also. Are you feeling this too? During my yoga practice Friday morning I held boat pose with a new resolved strength of determination.

As I gazed at the gully of naked trees outside my window, a Robin landed on a Sumac bush. Pecking at the dried seed, I thought how even though the bush was dormant all these months it was still providing nourishment, thus life, to the Robin.

I’ve been in this deep-seated space of inward contemplation again, peeling back layers I never thought would be part of my unfolding. At times, it’s been emotionally painful with a new recognition of how it affected my body with a deep ache.

The good news is that my willingness to look inward I was able to make the connection between my thoughts and my body. Once I did, the pain I was experiencing faded away within a few days. I’m grateful for the new awareness of how our emotions truly can affect our bodies.

The other good news is that while I’m not ready to share fully what my contemplation has been about, as I’m still navigating and integrating it all, I’ve had this tickling in my heart.

A tickling that what I’m going through may be leading to another book I will write. While I can’t say for sure at this point, I’m gathering thoughts and insights that are currently flowing through me.

There is a stirring of wanting a change in my life and this recognition of a need to honor the truth of where I am and the feelings I’m having, and how it continues to reveal itself to me. While watching the Robin fill himself with nourishment, I recognized myself in the reflection.

A moment of reflective understanding from Robin

In order to be at peace and in this space of the unknown and what lies ahead, it’s important to nourish and care for myself.  It’s something I guide my clients to do when they come to me needing help when feeling stuck as it’s vital in order to be able to move outwardly when the time is right.

Nurturing our inner world is the first step before we can take steps toward what is next for our lives. It will never come from external forces, and if it does, they are only temporary.

Feeling more empowered as I continued to hold boat pose, enveloping it as fully as possible so I could carry it with me, I came to understand something. 

As I visualize the distance along the shoreline of where I wish to head and am already on my way, I must also remain flexible, and gently tend to a space of inner calm so the flow of my life can unfold as it’s meant to.

While I trust I will reach my destination, I’ve also come to understand that I’m already there in many ways. There is no need to rock the boat.

Instead, be with the flow of the ride, stay open for signposts, and appreciate the larger waves that may try to engulf me as all part of the process.

I’m also reminded once again that within transition lie blessings waiting to be revealed. Writing another book was not on my conscious radar until now and I’m beginning to see this as an unexpected gift.

And the more I open to the idea, the more I see an authentic opportunity. And so this boat becomes my vessel to a revelation that calm waters are here now and more are on the horizon as well.

XO,

Barbara