The sun streaming through the blinds woke me at five this morning. I tried to go back to sleep, but Frankie and the releasing of her ashes began to swirl through my mind, which I wrote about yesterday.
I lay in bed a bit longer thinking about her. It then occurred to me that in August she would have been seventeen years old. This is significant for me.
The day before I made the decision to help her cross to the other side I had a reading done by my friend and animal communicator, Dawn. I shared with her that I had wished Frankie could live to be seventeen. I don’t really know why I wanted that. But communicating this to Frankie, Dawn shared that Frankie felt seventeen – meaning she lived a full life and was ready to move on. That was very comforting to me.
I can’t help but link the significance of that to today being the five-year anniversary of her passing and my being ready to scatter her ashes.
I didn’t make any sort of plans for today. All I knew was that I would scatter her ashes around my writing cottage. I followed the flow of how my heart was guiding me.
At five-thirty I climbed out of bed and did my normal routine of feeding the dogs, etc. Eventually I made my way out to my writing cottage, twelve steps from my bedroom patio doors across the deck I walked. My heart in some ways felt heavy with knowing what lay before me.
I lit a candle and decided to pull out of my SoulCollage card deck the card I made of Frankie during the winter solstice two years ago. A card of her and the reminder of her gift to me – to always look for the light in dark times and to be the light as an example for others. While I didn’t know if I’d write about my experience today of releasing Frankie’s ashes, I knew in that moment I would.
Frankie taught me so much about the joy of living, but also that death should not be feared and to trust that our spirits live on and we can connect with our loved ones whenever we want.
Following my intuition I decided to also randomly choose two oracle cards. Joy and Dragonfly presented themselves. The universe definitly with me this morning. Joy is my favorite word and what joy Frankie brought not only to my life, but thousands of others in our work together.
Dragonfly had a message too and what Frankie taught me – to be authentically who I am – and Dragonfly card says, “You know who you are.” I do now… thanks to Frankie.
I smiled through my tears.
Continuing to follow what felt right, I did my Yoga practice. It was moving through my poses that I knew I’d sit with the box of Frankie’s ashes afterwards and listen to our song, Landslide, before I took the final step of scattering them.
I took my love, I took it down Climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills ‘Til the landslide brought it down Oh, mirror in the sky What is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’ ‘Cause I’ve built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older And I’m getting older, too
My time with Frankie doing the work we did together was so incredibly rewarding that the words in this song, ‘I’ve been afraid of changin’ çause I built my life around you’ would often move me to tears…it was hard five years ago to imagine my life without her.
But time has made me bolder and I’m so much stronger because of Frankie – and getting older and time passing has certainly brought me to a new place of understanding.
While we never ‘get over’ a loss and what I’d often say is that we have to be gentle with ourselves and allow ourselves to ‘move through’ grief, I’ve now come to understand it now as that we ‘live with’ it – meaning that it just becomes a part of who we are. It changes us because we can never be what we were before – but hopefully we can rest in a deeper place of peace and a knowing that to love so deeply means we will experience great joy – and to bear the pain of loss is worth it to have this experience.
When I took Frankie’s box of ashes off the shelf yesterday I heard a rattling inside. Not sure what it was, I decided to wait to open the box until I was ready this morning.
The sun streaming through the east window of my writing cottage warming my face, I took a deep breath and opened the box. The mystery to the rattle brought a smile to my face – it was a stone I had placed inside with Frankie’s name and the date of her birth and death I’d written on it. I’d forgotten all about that.
Holding Frankie’s ashes in my hands I realized I was holding my breath. I knew it was because I was preparing, in a way, of letting go – of taking this final step. And though I felt some resistance, I reminded myself that this wasn’t really Frankie I was holding, but that her spirit was alive and well today and always – and here for me whenever I choose to connect with her.
As I walked across the deck and down the stairs the stillness and quiet of the morning took my breath away – it just felt so incredibly sacred that the earth seemed to be holding me with such a beautiful gentleness.
As I dipped my hand inside the bag holding Frankie’s ashes my hand shook slightly and my knees felt a bit wobbly. But something guided me as I released her ashes to the ground below…and step-by-step I moved around my writing cottage releasing her back to the earth to be among the stars, the universe, and the creator…
As I made my way to the east side of my writing cottage the honeysuckle plant I planted after Frankie’s passing came into view. You may recall my sharing here and in my book Through Frankie’s Eyes, that Frankie visited me as a hummingbird two weeks after her passing.
Well, I knew in that moment, the remainder of her ashes would become one with that honeysuckle and my heart smiled.
We are expecting rain later tonight which feels comforting to me to know that it will help in moving Frankie’s ashes deeper into the earth.
The morning flowed just as it was meant to be. While I shed a few tears, I feel at peace. Very much at peace.
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Mr. Squirrel has been quite the entertainment for me this morning from the view out my writing cottage window.
I first observed him slinking up the deck railing, almost appearing flat. At first I thought something was wrong with him and became concerned. But it could have to do with it being so windy out. I’m not sure.
But then when I opened the door to my cottage he took off running to the tree…and there he froze…blending right into the bark of the tree…well, sort of. Trying to be in disguise, but that wind swirled his tail around giving him away.
I had to chuckle quietly to myself while he stayed in that position for what seemed the longest time.
I know many think squirrels are a nuisance, but I really enjoy watching them.
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I thought about whether or not I should share this SoulCollage® card I finally made this past weekend. I know so many have a fear of snakes – and I worried I may upset others or that they may judge me for sharing this – and the thing is, I’ve had a fear of snakes for a long time, too.
And then I recall last year having shared the wisdom of Wolf from the Animal Wisdom Tarot card deck and how a reader of my newsletter was so upset with me. She couldn’t understand how I’d advocate for wolves when they have attacked and killed livestock on her farm.
And this is the thing, I guess ….there are many different perspectives – and I meant no harm in the Wolf card I shared, just as I mean no harm or discomfort in sharing this card – my only intention to help us see past our fears and look a bit deeper….for I do believe that all animals have wisdom to share with us.
And I truly can’t say I would have said this about Snake five years ago. But I’m learning to open to animals that are often not deemed as cuddly and cute. Not that it is always easy. But as I often say, I am a work in progress.
Honestly, I’m thrilled with this card I made of Snake. It’s been in the making for over two years…simmering in my mind…waiting to be born onto this card as a reminder of the healing that snake brought to me over two years ago.
It was seeing a mama snake, in beautiful shades of iridescent greens and blues, lying dead a few feet off the end of my driveway behind my car, and her unborn, dead babies beside her, and two a few feet from her, that I couldn’t look away…even though I couldn’t understand at the same time why I felt compelled to look.
In sharing this occurrence with my friend, Dawn, an animal communicator, she helped me to look deeper into what the message might be that Snake had for me.
It wasn’t an easy one to look at – though Dawn guided me by gently suggesting that I imagine as if I was in a dream and what it may represent that I came upon this dead snake and her babies.
While it is a personal healing that took place from working with snake in this way and not something I wish to share… I will say that it was a vital shift that needed to take place – one that had been begging to be addressed for a very long time.
It helped in many ways to set me free of something I’d carried as a deep wound that wanted desperately to be released. And honestly, if someone would have told me that by seeing a dead snake and her dead babies, then working with it as a dream while opening myself to a message of healing, well, I’d have thought they were crazy.
But I no longer think that. I feel truly grateful for the experience. Working with the images as seen on the card above came together so easily for me. And when I look at it, I feel a kinship with Snake and think of Snake as my friend.
And one last bit of honesty here: I don’t know if I could actually pick up or hold a snake… though I think I could maybe do so with my friend Dawn’s sweet snake, Chloe. She has really grown on me. 🙂 And Chloe is great at recommending good books such as this one in the photo with her, of which I had to order.
So there it is…if you made it this far… and accepted the invitation to read about a different perspective regarding snake….BRAVO!!
Photo credit: Dawn Brunke
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