I’m surprised, not surprised, by the number of emotions that have been whirling through me of late.
I’m by nature a sensitive creature, to begin with, and with all the unrest in our world today that has added to my feeling emotional even more.
Earlier this week in my weekly oracle reading I shared how it came to me recently that our hearts must break in order to heal. And oh, how we resist that! The card I pulled that expanded this notion of the heart needing to break was ‘Beautiful Uncaging’ from the Oracle of 7 Energies deck.
It was late yesterday afternoon I could no longer hold in a swirl of sadness and anger that had been coursing through me, that I finally let it out. Lucky for me, I have a husband who listens and is there for me to lean into. While at the same time my heart breaks for those that don’t have this in their life.
I ranted and I cried. Sometimes I couldn’t even speak clearly as I realized I was still trying to hold back the tears and I didn’t want to ‘ugly cry’ and I can still fight with being okay with feeling anger. But I also remembered how one day author Jon Katz shared a realization about his wife, Maria that the way she “talks,” especially when something really touches her or upsets her, is that she cries. He came to really appreciate that about her.
I mostly cried because it pains me to see the division in our world – the shaming and blaming that feels even more exasperated than ever – which in my opinion never gets us anywhere. I cried for those I see in anger and pain. I cried because I realized I’d drifted back into a state of fear of what “might be.”
After crying and releasing what I had to say, I did feel better. And this is what is so important, to find those we can express all of what we need to say without fear of judgment.
Before I drifted off to sleep, as I’ve been doing for quite a few months now I silently named five things I was grateful for during the day. And I also prayed for help getting through this time – for myself – and for all of us.
This morning as I drove to a nearby farm stand, which has become part of keeping me grounded because I love the beautiful drive and also it makes me feel good to support small businesses and to support my body with healthy food, I felt emotions stir again.
It’s the simplest things that are bringing me to tears. Like two people I know that I saw standing on the sidewalk, both out for a walk, that serendipitously met up and were chatting, and one with a dog at their side. Why did I feel this stirring of emotion within me? Because it was so beautiful to see two people not afraid to stop and chat – such a simple thing really – but something so many are living in fear of these days.
Driving back out around the gravel circle drive from the farm stand, my emotions stirred once again for the opportunity to have this sweet place to come to for fresh veggies. I thought about how hard they work, but also the fact it is their passion.
It was a needed reflection for me too that I want to continue to strive to be who I authentically am, that I wish to live a simple life and to give back in a positive way whenever I can.
It was also another reminder for me to not resist who I am and that my nature is one of crying and emotions that course through me often that need to come out. And the breaking of my heart is what brings me back to remembering that I must feel it all in order to move forward.
xo,
Barbara
