Kylie loved her toys. She had a whole basket full that resided in the kitchen where she could choose which one she wanted at any given moment.
This past year, the red heart, which had been at the bottom of the basket for quite a long time, all of a sudden, became one of her favorites.
The white bear was one I picked up about six months ago at a second-hand shop. It just called out to me to bring it home for her.
They now bring me some comfort as they rest on our bed. Though the presence of Kylie being gone is such a large void. Crawling into bed last night, my heart heavy with grief. I so wanted to hug her again.
Realizing it is #Giving day today I thought what better way than to celebrate not only giving, but giving in honor of someone you love and something that is meaningful to you.
Most of Kylie’s toys, except for the heart and bear, I am giving as a donation to a second-hand shop for another dog to love.
I tend to get overwhelmed with all the charities that need help because I wish I could help everyone.
Which to choose?
And then it came to me. I decided to donate to a local organization, Holyland Donkey Haven and Sanctuary, that rescues, rehabilitates, and teaches about donkey care.
Why donkey’s?
John and I always fondly referred to Kylie as our little donkey because of the way she sat on her haunches. While she wasn’t pessimistic like the donkey character, Eeyore, she did have that relaxed, laid back way about her and so often she just reminded us of a donkey. And also because of my love of donkeys and hoping that someday I can volunteer and help with them, as this is a dream of mine.
And so this becomes so meaningful as a way in which I could narrow it down and give what I could for this day of giving in memory of Kylie, who gave John and me so much…and it’s her beautiful heart and giving that will remain in our own hearts for eternity.
And in the spirit of giving, I want to say a grateful thank you to each of you that reached out to us and your generous giving of love and support with the loss of Kylie. Thank you so much. We are never alone in this journey of grief, as we have all walked this path more than once…and so your understanding helps as we journey forward.
A change was in the wind. And as life goes, we never know what exactly that change may be. I’m reflecting this morning on the animal card I pulled last week which was Fox, and her message to adapt to the changes that are a constant in life.
Little did I know my message in that Reading I shared with you was also going to be significant for me and John, and our dear sweet Kylie.
The temperature unusually warm, and the winds blustery, as Kylie and I entered the veterinarian clinic yesterday morning with concerns that she’d not finished eating her dinner on Thanksgiving, and turned away from her food a few hours earlier. Just as the weather unusual in Wisconsin for November, so was this not eating for Kylie.
After an exam by the vet, she thought perhaps Kylie’s arthritis was to the point that we needed to put her on a strong anti-inflammatory. Perhaps the pain was causing her not wanting to eat. First, blood work needed to be done in order to prescribe the meds.
I sat on the floor in the exam room with Kylie as we waited for the results. While I’d been sensing something lately, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, and also wishing it wasn’t what I thought perhaps it may be. I’d witnessed Kylie, while still eating her food daily, was eating in a slower pattern, and sometimes panting, though I thought perhaps it had to do with the warmer weather we’d been having. Her ability to jump into bed was also becoming a bit more challenging where she loved to snuggle with John every night.
At the age of twelve years old and one month, I knew our time was more limited than ever before with Kylie. While I’d managed her arthritis with advanced supplements and recently laser therapy, John and I had begun to have the tough discussion of how to handle her aging process in a dignified and graceful way. Heroic measures, meaning we would not let her suffer, would be taken should she be diagnosed with a terminal disease, or testing, probing and medications that would affect her quality of life.
After she’d not finished her food Thursday evening I was concerned. I sat beside her on the rug in the kitchen, petting her soft head. Silently I talked with her. I said, “Kylie, if you are feeling the need to move on, I’ll be okay. I want what is best for you.”
Before going to bed Thanksgiving evening, I surrendered to Spirit and said that I wanted what was in Kylie’s highest good, and that this wasn’t about me, but what was best for her.
As I stroked her fur sitting on that exam floor waiting for the blood work results, I, of course, hoped for the best. But when the vet came back in the room, shaking her head side-to-side, my heart began to beat faster.
Sliding down the wall, the vet knelt beside me, and shared with me that Kylie’s liver levels were over four times what is considered normal.
While in a way befuddled by the staggering high numbers, I also knew Spirit had guided us to this moment. This decision, though gut wrenching, also became one of peace, left with no doubt that helping her cross over to be among the stars was the right thing to do.
After I called John to come meet me at the clinic, I hugged Kylie so tight around her neck and spilled countless tears onto her soft fur. And then I became aware, remembering my last moments with Frankie. I wanted the same for Kylie, too. And so I talked to her.
I thanked her for being the steadfast rock she was for our family. She was only six months old when Frankie became paralyzed. And she would live her life helping me care for three disabled dachshunds. Never complaining and always going with the flow…even when it was met with many bumps in the road. She stayed steady and grounding.
In my mind I pictured her on a stage, like an olympic athlete ready to presented with a gold medal. And talking to her out loud, still hugging her around her neck, I presented to her the Best. Dog. Ever. Award. Because that she was.
The sweetest, kindest soul of a dog I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. How blessed and honored I am to have called her my friend.
Just before five o’clock last night, already dark, I walked to the bedroom to pull down the blinds on the patio doors. And between the branches of the large tree off our deck, the crescent moon caught my eye with clouds encircling it, swirling in a eerie, but mystical and comforting way.
The thought that Kylie was now among the stars entered my mind. I smiled and my heart felt comforted as I said silently, “I’ll love you always my dear girl. Always.”
Though there was a large void present last evening, and we will feel it for some time to come, John and I reflected on our many memories of Kylie. We laughed and we cried.
Before heading to bed, I turned to The Wisdom of the Oracle card deck I’m currently studying from in Oracle School. While I felt hesitant in one way to pull a card, the other part of me trusted it would be what I needed most.
Kylie was born on the 24th of October in 2005 and passed on the 24th of November of 2017. Taking two plus four equals six which is my favorite number, after shuffling the deck, I counted down six cards from the top.
Time for a Nap #24
While losing those we love is one of the toughest things we endure as human beings, along with making a decision we feel is most dignified and graceful even though gut-wrenching, Spirit showed me in that moment that life with all it’s many sorrows, also offers us magic beyond what we can even sometimes imagine. And we must trust and keep our faith that everything is perfect.
This card was confirmation of how the day unfolded and that the timing was exactly as it was meant to be that Kylie was called home to live among the stars…
The fox asleep in the crescent of the moon, and the moon, which I’d just been called to three hours before, thinking of Kylie. A change was indeed in the wind and fox reminded me what Kylie also taught me so well, that I must flow and adapt to changes in life and not get stuck or trapped in sadness.
And the message of this card not only for Kylie, who now naps in peace for eternity, but that it is time for me to also take a nap and a break. Caring for a senior dog, and three disabled dogs at different times for the past eleven years, while filled with much joy, has had me feeling very tired myself of late.
And while, I’d give anything to hug Kylie just. one. more. time… my faith has strengthened over the years to know that I can connect with her at anytime I want just by being present with that thought. And so she will always be with me.
And to all those who loved her…I say a grateful thank you for sharing your adoration and love of her with me. It is of great comfort to know how much she was loved.
Recently I talked with someone who was struggling with the guilt of having to put their pet to sleep. Then just this morning, I talked with someone whose older pet just had surgery for a ruptured disk in her neck. And the difficulty is that the pet owner needs to go away for a week in the next few days and the guilt has him full of worry.
Guilt can be such a tricky thing and can weigh on us like a ton of bricks. I completely understand this having been through it so often myself in various ways with my own pets.
After talking with my friend whose pet is coming home today, but then he must leave out of town soon, I’m happy to say I was able to provide him some comfort and be a reflection for him that he has covered all bases in making sure his dog will be in the best care while he is away.
After I got off the call I kept thinking about this more and wondering why it is we have such a difficult time with feeling guilty.
So I decided to turn to the Power Animal Wisdom Oracle card deck, as I often do, when I ponder my own challenging questions. It’s my hope that by sharing this and what the card that revealed itself had to say that it will help others facing this feeling of guilt that can oftentimes consume us.
So I asked this question: What do pet owners need to know about feeling guilty? The card I got was Kangaroo, which is about gratitude and being grateful for all you are blessed with.
Reading into this message further, thinking about my friend feeling guilty for having to leave his dog after surgery, Kangaroo confirms that gratitude, not guilt, will help us to ease our worries, which more than often those worries never come true.
Kangaroo reminds my friend how blessed he is to have someone he trusts, who his dog has stayed with many times before, and who has taken care of dogs before after surgery, and who will be looking after his dog. How blessed he is to have this person in his life.
Regarding having to put a pet to sleep – one of the most difficult, heartbreaking decisions we face when having a pet, is that we will likely have to say goodbye to them for their time here on earth is so much shorter than our own.
Kangaroo’s message of gratitude is so fitting for this because she is reminding us how very blessed we were to have had that love and joy in our life from out pets. We can’t have one without the other. This is the reality of loving a pet.
I truly believe with every fiber of my being, and the many teachings I’ve received from my own pets, that our animal friends don’t want us to carry this heavy burden of guilt. As I shared with my friend today, and something I’ve come to understand, is that he can still connect with his dog even when he will be away from her.
I shared with him that he just needs to talk to her in his mind, and she will feel that connection and love. She already knows he loves her and she does not want him to feel guilty.
Guilt causes worry and worry won’t change anything. And we worry because it feels like then we are in control and if we are control we feel like it assures us of a desired outcome. The reality though is that we aren’t in control. But we can be grateful for all that we are blessed with and give thanks for that -that is a choice that we always have.
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