writing

It’s Okay to Feel In-Between

Posted by Barbara Techel

IMG_2060Intuition is a sense of knowing how to act spontaneously without needing to know why. – Sylvia Clare

Tammy from Rowdy Kittens blog shared the above quote today. She also talked about how she has many ideas brewing in her mind, but not quite sure what direction to head. She feels “in-between.”

Just like Tammy, when others say this to me, I say, “hey, it’s okay to feel in that in-between” place, because that is part of being a creative.” How much easier it is to say this to someone, but then so much harder to allow myself this same way to feel.

While I continue to peck away at my next book, I also still feel in this in-between place. I have my good and challenging days working on my book. Some days so sure I will take it all the way to publication stage, and then some days, well, not sure at all.

I also read an interview by Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote a novel after her wildly popular Eat, Pray and Love and scrapped the whole thing. She said it was crap and had to let her editor know she wouldn’t be submitting it. The advice from a friend was to take six months off and follow her curiosity, which is exactly what she did. She gardened and one day while gardening, the idea for the next book hit her and it all spilled out from her in a more creative and rewarding way.

I’ve been giving much thought to all of this lately, and realize I’ve been feeling this in-between since Frankie died. That’s almost two years ago. It feels scary to admit that, as if I’ll never come out of this in-between place. But it’s where I’m at and I wanted to be honest and say it here on my blog.

Many ideas of what I might want to do have been written in my idea journal, but so far, not quite sure where I should go with them. But I remind myself that to “push” something into existence just for the sake of doing it isn’t right either.

I wonder to myself why the exploration of oneself in this in-between can feel so daunting at times. Is it because we are so used to doing that we can’t deal with just trying to “be” more?

Two people lately have told me that I think too hard. They didn’t mean it in a bad way, but they are right.  Sometimes it can cause me great angst and I wish I didn’t do this. But it is who I am and even though it can be challenging at times, I’ve learned to accept it part of who I am.

While I do feel in-between and that is not always easy, I am trying to honor it. The quote by Sylvia Clare spoke to me also as I’ve decided to act on a monthly volunteer opportunity and see where it takes me. I’ll share with you soon what that is. While I’m excited about it, I’m also nervous. But I like the idea of acting on it without needing to know why right now. I want to see where it will take me and I guess that is all I need to know at the moment.

And for those moments when I’m thinking way too deep and too hard, all I have to do is look into the face of my Buddha dog, take a deep breath, and know that life is unfolding for me exactly as it should. No need to worry. Trust and know that all is well. Because it is. It is.

Getting Lost & Finding My Way Back to Center

Posted by Barbara Techel

gidget apr 2014I got lost once again. It happens. This is what they call life.

But it happens to all of us. The trick is remembering what our center feels like. That place of knowing and that feeling of yes, this is where I’m meant to be. While I know many go through life without ever considering what their true center is, I give thanks that I do my best to stay tuned into what that center looks like for me. It has become so ingrained in me and once you have experienced that true place, even though I got lost, I knew I needed to find my way back again.

Last week was a trying week. My dad was taken by ambulance earlier in the week to the hospital. All turned out okay and they think he had a reaction to a new medication. But it was an odd feeling. A scary place I’d not really experienced before. To see my dad frightened as they put him in the back of the ambulance. Though I remained calm on the outside, when all turned out well, I found my insides feeling shaken up. The day will come when my parents are no longer here. It became even more real than I’d ever felt before.

At the end of the week I found myself resigning from two committee’s I had joined. One committee I had joined was recent, while the other I had been a part of since January. With the latter, I had been experiencing frustration, but I really wanted to be of service and help.

But as the months unfolded and I did my best, politics as it often plays out in these situations, made itself known. I realized I was in the wrong place. This isn’t me. While yes, there are internal issues, it was also  a tap on my shoulder that I had lost my way. I needed to return to center. I wanted to find myself back to what matters most to me.

My 21-day meditation practice I did that Oprah and Deepak Chopra offered served me well as I’ve been re-visiting lately in my heart what is important to me. My women’s group I’ve been a part of every week for the past 12 weeks has also been so enlightening and beneficial, helping me stay on track.

It’s so easy to fall off the track because we want to be good people. We want to make a difference. The trick is to do that in the way that speaks to who you are.

So I found my center again. I found it in the two hour Q & A I did with Dodgerslist on my Facebook page. The moderators, a vet assistant, and I were available for two hours yesterday morning to help people with questions they have about Intervertebral Disc Disease. Something as you all know, I’m very familiar with.

Though the two hours was intense with many questions being posted, after it was done I felt elated. I was so happy to have helped. This is what matters to me. This is how I can continue to make a difference. And on a side note, we are looking at doing another one in the future and this one in the evening.

This morning as I worked on my book, Joie’s Gift I felt back in that center again. I was also eager to come to my blog and write about my thoughts about this. This is who I am. This is where I’m supposed to be. This is where my energy of my soul is best served.

And when you live within that center of that energy that speaks to who you are, it fills you up. That light shines and shines bright, which then filters out into the world as it should. In an authentic way – not a forced or false way.

Hello center. Hello me. I’m so happy to see you again!

Writing to Heal the Heart.

Posted by Barbara Techel

won't you play with me oct 2012One of my favorite photos of Joie. October 2012.

Yesterday  on my blog, I shared how I just couldn’t bring myself to write on Monday. While I am pretty disciplined for the most part, there are days when I just don’t want to write. Even though I don’t feel as good when I don’t write, I accept this and know I’ll return to my writing.

I’m 41,368 words into my book, Joie’s Gift. I’m finding it interesting that when I began this book, I wondered if I’d have enough to make a complete book. Now I’m thinking perhaps I may have too much as I’ve not even gotten to part of the story that was the very reason I began this book. But ah, yes, the editing stage will eventually come, so will see what transpires from that. For now my job is to keep writing. Get it all out. Leave nothing behind.

After I wrote two chapters today it suddenly occurred to me why I may have not wanted to write on Monday. What I wrote about today is about when Joie had to go to a neurosurgeon. For those that know part of Joie’s story from reading my blog, you know this was a difficult time. I had a heart wrenching decision to make in August of 2013 – one I never saw coming. But then, do we ever really see these coming?

As I wrote about this time in my life, the words flew effortlessly from my mind through my fingers and onto the blank page of my laptop. The cursor didn’t have a chance to blink!

When I was done, I looked out my window next to my writing desk, and the tears seemed as if they came out of nowhere. As hard as that decision was to let Joie go, I realized writing about it, that it was absolutely the right thing to do. It confirmed for me once again, that I did the right thing. But how interesting we carry doubt in our heart even when we think we have let go.

Writing about this time in my life, I realize is another layer of healing for me. Another chance to let go and trust that everything unfolded out just as the Divine had planned. I never had any control over the situation. But I did have control over how I moved forward and and I allow myself these moments to continue to unfold as part of my healing process. Writing is therapeutic for me and part of that process.

Writing about emotionally difficult times clears the way for my heart to open even more. To let out what needs to go and to let in what needs to come next. To experience more of life. To expand. To know that this is exactly right where I am to be in this moment in time.