Every 1st and 3rd Thursday of the month until July 18th I will be sharing my thoughts about turning 50 which I will celebrate on July 18th.  And yes, I said, celebrate!

Joie snug in her papa’s sweatshirt

I’m a sensitive person. This was not always easy for me (sometimes still isn’t).  Saying this, I feel like I should have really started out by saying, “Hi. I’m Barbara Techel and I’m sensitive.” It, at times, has felt like a curse. I feel things deeply. So deeply I find it hard to sometimes express adequately what I’m feeling–at times there seem to be no words.

Many times I’ve not wanted to be so sensitive because when grief hits me, it hits me hard. Or when things bother me, they can wreak havoc in my head. I took to heart very personally things people have said about me, good or bad or whether those “bad” things were even justified, or just a perception.

As I move closer to hitting the big 5-0 and all the work I’ve done on my self care the last couple of years, I understand now that my sensitivity is a gift. When I feel sad or hurt, it leaves a deep wedge in my heart. When I feel joy, I feel this intense high, like I’m floating in the sky.

Last night as I turned off the light to drift off to sleep, Frankie was strong in my thoughts. I have not cried about her in quite sometime. But something came over me again and tears rolled down onto my pillow. At first, I was mad at myself for having not fully moved on yet, questioning why I still cry when thinking of her.

Her little spirit floats a little higher each day… and I think approaching the one year mark of her death in June, is having me feel like this. I felt her close as I thought about her in the darkness, while at the same time, I feel her resting more and more into a space of her own. As I find my way with Joie and our path, I think that helps her to find more peace too. I cried with happiness for not only her, but for me and for Joie, that we are finding our own special way.

I was reminded again that my being sensitive is a gift. I could not feel the joy that I do without the deep pain I feel at times too.  But being aware and allowing myself to move through my feelings last night, I realize is what I need to do to be me– to continue to be me. Forward March to 50!